GREETINGS READERS OF TID-BITS. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED TID-BITS-7.
WE HAVE SOME GOOD PICTURES AND JOKES FOR YOU SO FILL UP THE

KOFFEE CUP, SIT BACK, RELAX. THERE ARE LOTS OF ANIMATIONS ON
THE PAGE, SO PLEASE DON'T GET FRUSTRATED AND DO THIS:

DON'T-CHA JUST LOVE IT.
TOM

DAWG DICTIONARY
(Continued from Tid-bits 7)

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human' attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above..

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

CAT ETIQUETTE

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
this in time, get to expensive rug. You will notice the delighted on your
persons face.

Determine quickly which guests hates cats, or are allergic. Sit on
that lap during the evening. They won't dare push you off and will
even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have strong odor
of cat food on your breath, you know, real fishy stuff, do it. They
will love it.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs select colors
that contrast with your own. Prior to this do not forget to hide the
Scotch tape. Wow, what fun..

For guests who say they love cats, don't believe them, be ready with
aloof distain, claws applied to stocking or a quick nip at the ankles
makes them feel welcome. Gosh, don't forget to hump your back and
HISS. Also try and cross your eyes when hissing.

Do not allow closed doors in your presence. To get one open, stand
on your hind legs and pound with forepaws. Once the door is opened,
you don't have to use it, simply walk away. Hey, that's your choice.
When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and
half out, take your time, make up your mind about what you are going
to do. This is particularly important during cold weather or mosquito
season. After all, this is your house.

If one of your persons is busy and the other one is idle, sit with the one
that is busy as they probably need a break anyway. For book readers,
get as close as you can under the chin, unless you can lie across the
book itself. If possible, try sharpening your claws on it. They won't mind.

For your persons that are doing Homework, sit on the paper being
worked on. After being shooed several times, push anything movable
off the desk like pencils, pens, books, ink. Watch them as they hit the
floor and bounce. Hey this is fun. They expect this of you. BUT be sure
that door is open for possible fast get-away.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that your are fresh as a daisy for
PLAYING at night, especially between 1 and 5 a.m. If
playing does not work, sing to your friends outside. Your person
probably wants to get up and play on the internet anyway.

If your person is on the compuker sending a long E-Mail, wait until they
almost done. Then jump up on the keyboard and correct all their spelling
mistakes, after all you are a better spell checker then the one they have.
Your person will reward you with a big hug around the neck with their
hands. HEY not so tight person.

ONE SLICK DUCK

A DUCK WALKS INTO A FEED STORE AND ASKS, GOT ANY DUCK
FEED?" THE CLERK TELLS HIM, "NO, WE DON'T HAVE A MARKET
FOR IT, SO WE DON'T CARRY IT." THE DUCK SAYS, "OKAY," AND
LEAVES.

THE NEXT DAY, THE DUCK WALKS IN TO THE FEED STORE AND
ASKS, "GOT ANY DUCK FEED?" AGAIN THE CLERK SAYS NO AND
THE DUCK LEAVES.

NEXT DAY, THE DUCK WALKS IN AND ASKS, "GOT ANY DUCK
FEED?" THE CLERK SAYS, "I'VE TOLD YOU TWICE, WE DON'T
HAVE ANY DUCK FEED. IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I'LL NAIL YOUR
FEET TO THE FLOOR." THE DUCK LEAVES.

THE NEXT DAY, THE DUCK WALKS IN AND ASKS, "YOU GOT ANY
NAILS?" THE CLERK SAYS "NO". THE DUCK ASKS "YOU GOT
DUCK FEED?".

RUDE PARROT

A MAN RECEIVED A PARROT FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. THE PARROT
WAS FULLY GROWN WITH A BAD ATTITUDE AND A WORSE
VOCABULARY. EVERY OTHER WORD WAS AN EXPLETIVE.
THOSE THAT WEREN'T EXPLETIVES WERE, TO SAY THE LEAST, DOWNRIGHT RUDE.

THE MAN TRIED TO CHANGE THE BIRD'S ATTITUDE AND WAS
CONSTANTLY SAYING POLITE WORDS, PLAYING SOFT MUSIC,
ANYTHING HE COULD THINK OF. NOTHING WORKED.
HE YELLED AT THE BIRD, AND THE BIRD GOT WORSE. HE
SHOOK THE BIRD AND THE BIRD GOT MADDER AND RUDER.
FINALLY, IN A MOMENT OF DESPERATION, HE PUT THE PARROT
FREEZER.

FOR A FEW MOMENTS HE HEARD THE BIRD SQUAWKING AND
KICKING AND SCREAMING, AND THEN, SUDDENLY, THERE
WAS QUIET.
THE MAN WAS FRIGHTENED THAT HE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE
HURT THE BIRD AND QUICKLY OPENED THE FREEZER DOOR.

THE PARROT CALMLY STEPPED OUT ONTO THE MAN'S
EXTENDED ARM AND SAID "I AM SORRY THAT I MIGHT HAVE
OFFENDED YOU WITH MY LANGUAGE AND ACTIONS AND ASK
FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS. I WILL ENDEAVOR TO CORRECT
MY BEHAVIOR."

THE MAN ASTOUNDED AT THE BIRD'S CHANGE IN ATTITUDE AND
WAS ALSO ABOUT TO ASK WHAT HAD CHANGED HIM....WHEN
THE PARROT CONTINUED....

"MAY I ASK WHAT THE TURKEY DID".

SNAILS PACE

A GUY HEARS A KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR. HE OPENS IT UP,
AN NO ONE IS THERE. HE LOOKS ALL AROUND AND HE
FINALLY SEES A LITTLE SNAIL SITTING ON THE DOORMAT.
HE PICKS IT UP AND THROWS IT ACROSS THE STREET INTO
A FIELD.
TEN YEARS GOES BY, AND ONE DAY HE HEARS A KNOCKING
ON HIS DOOR. HE OPENS IT UP AND NO ONE IS THERE.
HE LOOKS ALL AROUND, AND HE FINALLY SEES THE LITTLE
SNAIL SITTING ON THE DOORMAT.

THE SNAIL SAYS, "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT".

THIS STORY REMINDS ME OF SOME OF MY E-MAIL. TOM

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