Tid Bits#6

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, realizing the source of her confusion and now trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off State Route 119.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could..

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in

rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.

Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to a abrupt stop, and glanced around , somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up to the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
for the food I'm about to receive..."

ROGL

A lady was exercising her dog in the park. A man on a
bicycle came up behind her and grabbed the carrier bag
from her hand. Pedaling furiously into the distance with
his prize he was not aware of the lady rolling on the grass
in fits of laughter. She had been using the plastic bag to
collect her dog poop.

Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird.

Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica.

Only animal besides humans that can get sunburned: Pig.

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

An Eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Polar bears are left-handed.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with his
with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping that they will think that it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy "Did you hear that Fluffy passed away of old age?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um..no..um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him in a nice little grave in the backyard someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. "Boy, there must be some real sick people out there!"

DAWG DICTIONARY

LEASH: A STRAP WHICH ATTACHES TO YOUR COLLAR, ENABLING YOU TO LEAD YOUR PERSON WHERE YOU WANT HIM/HER TO GO.

DOG BED: ANY SOFT, CLEAN SURFACE, SUCH AS A WHITE BEDSPREAD IN THE GUEST ROOM OR THE NEWLY UPHOLSTERED COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM.

DROOL: IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOUR PERSONS HAVE FOOD AND YOU DON'T. TO DO THIS PROPERLY, YOU MUST SIT AS CLOSE AS YOU CAN AND LOOK SAD AND LET THE DROOL FALL TO THE FLOOR, OR BETTER YET, ON THEIR LAPS.

GARBAGE CAN: AHHH. A CONTAINER WHICH YOUR NEIGHBORS PUT OUT ONCE A WEEK TO TEST YOUR INGENUITY. YOU MUST STAND ON YOUR HIND LEGS AND TRY TO PUSH THE LID OFF WITH YOUR NOSE. IF YOU DO IT RIGHT YOU ARE REWARDED WITH MARGARINE WRAPPERS TO SHRED, BEEF BONES TO CONSUME AND MOLDY CRUSTS OF BREAD. NOTE: BE ALWAYS ALERT OF
INCOMING MISSILES.

BICYCLES: TWO-WHEELED EXERCISE MACHINES, INVENTED FOR DOGS TO CONTROL BODY FAT. TO GET MAXIMUM AEROBIC BENEFIT, YOU MUST HIDE BEHIND A BUSH AND DASH OUT, BARK LOUDLY AND RUN ALONGSIDE FOR A FEW YARDS; THE PERSON THEN SWERVES AND FALLS INTO THE BUSHES, AND THEN YOU PRANCE AWAY. NOW THERE MAY BE SOME UNKIND WORDS SHOUTED, BUT DON'T WORRY, THE PERSON IS TALKING TO THEIR EXERCISE MACHINE. THEY REALLY LOVE YOU AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO REPEAT IT AGAIN.

DEAFNESS: THIS IS A MALADY WHICH AFFECTS DOGS WHEN THERE PERSONS WANT THEM IN AND THEY WANT TO STAY OUT. SYMPTOMS INCLUDE STARING BLANKLY AT THE PERSON, THEN RUNNING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, OR LYING DOWN. THIS IS BEST PERFORMED EARLY IN THE MORNING WHEN YOUR PERSON IS OUT WITH YOU IN THERE PAJAMAS OR UNDERWEAR.

TO BE CONTINUED IN NEXT ISSUE OF TID-BITS

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