Tidbits#51

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong
with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer
visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being
gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

Thanks Scott

Veterinary Procedure

A new Version of a old joke..

Medicating Pet Cats and Dogs

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the stinkin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect demon cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any turtles.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Wrap it in bread.

~~~PROGRESS~~~

Humans and wild animals require habitat for breeding, feeding, and raising their young and just plain living. Can the two co-exist? What happens to the woodland creatures when the bulldozers and chainsaws invade their territories?

Imagine, entering their world. What might you find?

A new-born fawn lies sleeping in the tall grass. His spotted coat and silence are nature’s camouflage. The doe is grazing away from her baby secure in the knowledge that he is safe from harm. He has no scent and will remain silently hidden until her return.

Raccoon kits snuggled together in the hollow of a tree enjoy an afternoon nap. Mother who has just finished there feeding is also sleeping. Tonight she will have to travel many miles before joining her kits at dawn back in the safety of the tree den. The night will be long. The food source is dwindling. Too much competition for too little space. She has more than one den within her territory and will share these sites come winter with other resident raccoons. They will not hibernate but go into a form of suspended animation during cold snaps, living off the fat they have gained through fall feedings.

The flying squirrels sit quietly in their tree den. Since they are nocturnal critters who hunt in the dark, most humans are unaware of their existence. The squirrels also serve as prey for owls and other creatures of the night. If you put your ear to the right tree you just might hear the churring as the tiny inhabitants stir in their sleep. The Douglas squirrels have mated and made their nest in their favorite fir trees. They share the fir cones and cedar buds, fungi, nuts, berries and lichen with their cousins the Eastern Grays and Northern Flying while chasing the saucy Stellers jays away from their food caches.

If you listen, you will find the air is filled with the sounds of robins, sparrows, finches, juncoes, and wrens, just to name a few. This multitude of our feathered friends have nested and laid their eggs as part of the rites of spring. Woodpeckers and hummingbirds noisily guard their territories. Hawks, eagles, and owls have mended their nests in preparation for their young while keeping watch on the small rodents, their favorite meal in the surrounding underbrush.

A variety of plants, grasses, trees, stumps and fallen logs, provide food and habitat for the wildlife within its borders. This is also home to coyote, weasel, mink, skunk, possum, amphibians, reptiles, birds, insects and butterflies, who co-exist in nature.

Human encroachment on these forests forces urban wildlife to co-exist with another species, man.

Where do all the critters go when humans decide to take over their territory? Many take up residence in human dwellings causing problems for both species. Some animals become dependant on handouts which upsets the balance of nature. Many are killed or starve with the loss of their habitat.

Mankind can take steps to alleviate the suffering and upset of wildlife in many ways. We can stop clearing land in the springtime and leave a few dead trees, rock piles and fallen logs. We can establish wildlife corridors and replant wildlife trees. We can leave an area in our own backyards wild, as habitat. There are a number of plants, weeds and shrubs that will not only beautify your yard but attract birds, bees and butterflies along with providing nesting and denning sites.

We have the power and the ability to protect our environment and its creatures. We can co-exist. It just takes a little planning on our part.

WRITTEN BY: Dee Walmsley - Nature Writer
Responses or comments, E-Mail them to deew74@shaw.ca

~~ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT KITTY'S~~

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Translations Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.
(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.
(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean As A Rattlesnake Dawg. Good dawg to
guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawgs.
(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.
(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.
(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.
(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.
(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What In the World Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to
Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.

Thanks Scott

~~~Note from Tom~~~

DEAR READERS

I WAS RECENTLY APPROACHED BY A VERY CARING LADY ASKING ME FOR CONSIDERATION IN GRANTING HER WEBSITE MY WILDLIFE AWARD.
MUCH TO MY DISMAY, I HAD TO REFUSE HER REQUEST. SHE HAS
BEAUTIFUL WEB PAGES AND HAS DEVOTED HOURS OF HER VALUABLE
TIME IN PREPARING THEM…SO WHY DIDN’T I GIVE HER MY AWARD? HER UNINTENTIONAL OPENING MESSAGE IS THAT WILD ANIMALS MAKE
GOOD PETS. SHOULD ONE TAKE THE TIME TO READ ALL OF HER SITE
YOU WOULD SEE THAT SHE DID NOT WILLINGLY CAPTURE HER CRITTERS.
THEY WERE THRUST UPON HER BEFORE SHE BECAME A WILDLIFE
REHABILITATOR.. SHE MADE THE DECISION TO KEEP TWO RACCOONS
AS PETS AND HAS DEVOTED THE LAST TEN YEARS TO HER CHARGES.
I APPLAUD HER DEDICATION, BUT CANNOT CONDONE HER ACTION.

. *** SHE HAS SINCE DOWNPLAYED THE PET ASPECT AND FOCUSED
MORE ON EDUCATION***.

UNFORTUNATELY, MOST CAPTURED WILD THINGS ARE NOT TREATED
KINDLY. THEY ARE DE-CLAWED. HAVE THEIR TEETH REMOVED. FED
THE WRONG DIETS, CONFINED IN SMALL DIRTY CAGES AND THEN
WHEN THEIR “OWNERS’ TIRE OF THEM RELEASED INTO THE NEAREST
GREENBELT, WHERE THEY SUFFER A LONG SLOW DEATH.

ALL BABY ANIMALS ARE ADORABLE…BUT THEY GROW UP.
IT HAS TAKEN CENTURIES TO DOMESTICATE CATS AND DOGS…
ONE GENERATION OF RAISING WILD ANIMALS WILL NOT TURN
THEM INTO SAFE, RELIABLE PETS. SEE 20 REASONS FOR NOT KEEPING
RACCOONS AS PETS. THE INFORMATION GIVEN CAN APPLY TO ALL WILDLIFE.

WHEN WE HUMANS INTERFERE WITH THE NATURAL WORLD,
THE ANIMALS SUFFER. A CASE IN POINT IS THE CAPTURING OF
YOUNG CHIMPS AND GORILLAS FOR ZOOS AND PETS. IN ORDER
TO TAKE THE YOUNG, WHOLE FAMILIES ARE SLAUGHTERED.

AN INTERNET SEARCH WILL LEAD YOU TO MANY SHELTERS
WHERE DISCARDED WILD AND ZOO/CIRCUS ANIMALS ARE LIVING
OUT THEIR LIVES. THEY ARE THE LUCKY ONES…MOST OF THEM
DON’T MAKE IT THAT FAR.

I URGE YOU TO EDUCATE YOURSELVES ON COEXISTING WITH
THE URBAN WILDLIFE IN YOUR AREA. ENJOY THE ANIMAL
SHOWS ON DISCOVERY TELEVISION AND ADOPT A DOMESTICATED
PET FROM YOUR LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER. IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO HELP WILDLIFE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF SITES SEEKING
DONATIONS AND VOLUNTEERS.

20 REASONS FOR NOT KEEPING
RACCOONS AS PETS.

(Click)
.

Replies, comments, poison letters, reply below:

Tom's E-Mail

     Questionnaire for HUMANS (and their CAT owners.)

                                                           HUMANS

Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home.
b) The phone rang twice while you were out.
c) Feed me, NOW .

Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:

a) Please don't leave me here all alone.
b) Goodbye
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:

a) An unsuppressed primal instinct.
b) A sign of affection.
c) A demand to be fed now.

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:

a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) I Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?

CATS

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:

a) There hungry.
b) There lost.
c) You're hungry.

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:

a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human's got.

Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:

a) You're in trouble - better not do it again.
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time.
c) The humans wants to play, so climb up again to amuse them.

Staircases are for:

a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am.
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above.

by Mike Whitaker

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein

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