Tidbits#50

TO TID-BITS #50
MARCH 2002

TEN REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one
will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast! No one expects you to take a bath every
day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually
think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can
entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to
worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's
fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see
the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five
minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Thanks Scott

Tribute To A Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane
unto a spot on the floor,
then I remember, it's where you used to lie,
but now you are no more.

Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound....
then I remember, It's where your paws would joyously abound.

A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill,
then I remember it can't be yours your golden voice is still.

But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall
and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall.

I'll wrap these treasured memorials in a blanket of my love
and keep them for my best friend until we meet above.

Author Unknown

~~The Doggie Pledge~~

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's
on the toilet

I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in
the backyard after processing.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones
so my people will think I am dying.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over
the back yard with it.

Thanks Dee

A Cat's Attitude

My cat walked slowly across my chair.
I said "What are you doing there?"

She looked at me as if to say
"I wish you would just go away."

I said "That is my chair you know,"
but she was putting on a show.

I tried to show her to the door
but my advances she'd ignore.

So then when I sat down to rest
she decided my lap was best,

and there she lays in peaceful sleep
thinking I'm finally earning my keep.

Author unknown.

Warning - Highly Contagious New Disease!!

CHIP FEVER (Dogus Addictus)

SYMPTOMS:

Obsessive focus on all things related to dogs - seeing dog shapes in clouds and inkblots, finding dog references in unrelated conversations, pointing out other people's ability to own more dogs, going out of one's way to talk to other dog owners and to look at dog-related items. Narcolepsia manifesting itself through repetitive dreaming of dogs and all things related to dogs, and through inability to sleep without being pinned down by warm fuzzy object.

Symptoms may prevent patient from being productive at work, and from functioning socially. This illness is also highly contagious, and can be contracted via e-mail.

TREATMENT:

Addition of new dog is often a successful treatment. Although some cases have needed repeat treatments up to eight or nine dogs. Saturation point is unknown, although over dosage is very feasible.

If addition of new dog is not possible, patient should be distracted and kept busy. Acquisition of other items can temporarily soothe the need for a purchase, but patients must beware of shopping in areas containing dog-related items. If patient should see such a section of a store, the illness may become more severe.

Patient should also avoid other people with Chip Fever as they tend to exacerbate the illness. Those who have successfully overcome this illness should encourage caution and patience, as the patients are highly impulsive.

Fostering should not be considered a serious alternative as it often results in addition of a dog. Fostering should be considered more as a treatment for Spouseus Uncooperativeus.

MEDICAL SUGGESTION:

While this disease has been known to exist throughout human history, it has spread exponentially in the last few years. The increase in computer e-mail has corresponded with the rise in contagion, and is strongly suspected of being a new, serious means of communicating the disease. Those people on canine related e-mail lists should be forewarned of the possible risks of contracting the disease, and new methods of resisting contraction of the disease should be found.

CAT AGING

He blinks upon the hearth-rug,
and yawns in deep content,
accepting all the comforts
that Providence has sent.

Louder he purrs, and louder,
in one glad hymn of praise
for all the night's adventures,
for quiet, restful days.

Life will go on for ever,
with all that cat can wish:
warmth and the glad procession
of mice and milk and fish.

Only-the thought disturbs him-
he's noticed once or twice,
the times are somehow breeding
a nimbler race of mice.

Thanks BOBKITTEN

Sign this Petition

Yup, it's a dog's world alright.
How embarrassing.

WHAT DOGS THINK

Once upon a time in the future, a scientific team discovered that
using a particular combination of artificial intelligence computer software
and special mind sensors allowed them to communicate with dogs.
Their announcement was heralded in leading scientific and psychology
journals as a true breakthrough of the 21st century. When the first
sessions were conducted with a stable and well socialized dog, the
scientific team got their first glimpse into the dog's thought process.
Having established a basic language to exchange questions and answers,
here is part of the initial conversation...
Team: "What do you think about most of the time? "
Dog: "I don't think about things. I live my life moment to moment".
Team: "Don't you wish you could be playing ball or swimming?"
Dog: "No, that would not make sense because I rely on humans for
everything. I cannot do anything without them."
Team: "Do you realize that many humans call you and other dogs
collectively 'Man's Best Friend'?"
Dog: "Do you realize that dogs are Man's ONLY friend?"
Team: "What do you mean, only friend?"
Dog: "In the world of animal existence, there are no friendships
except those established between the dog animal and the human animal. No
other two animals have any real relationship. We dogs are in the world
only because humans shaped wolves into domesticated dogs. Man had to make
his only 'friend' because all other animals fear man."
Team: "But do you fear us?"
Dog: "No, I realize that I was selected to learn your language to
suit your human purposes. I am valuable to you because of that."
Team: "Of course we value you and all other dogs as well..."
Dog: "That is not true. You do not value dogs. You SAY you value
dogs because it makes you feel better about the way you really are..."
Team: "The way we really are? What do you mean?"
Dog: "All animals in nature know about man and his ways. They know
that man as an animal can never be trusted. Only a very few humans can be
trusted not to hurt or abandon dogs and other animals."
The team members looked at one another uncomfortably. The older
female member of the team spoke next.
Female: "How do you know this from the few years you have lived?"
Dog: "I know it instinctually. I see it in your actions and your
eyes. I feel it in your hands and hear it in your voice. All animals
except man know it. Dogs have an affinity for man because man designed us
and developed us. We had no choice in the matter. But we are lower
animals, so we accept our animal condition."
Female: "Hearing a dog communicate this is making me feel ashamed to
be a human..."
Dog: "That is where we differ. "
Female: "How is that?"
Dog: "Dogs and all other animals, except humans, have no need for
shame. We do what we must to survive. We are not 'in touch with' Nature,
we ARE an integrated and integral part of Nature."
The members of the team were visibly shaken by this exchange. The dog
continued.
Dog: "Just as you aspire to be smarter, more successful, and happier,
we animals do so as well. Especially, dogs are eager to succeed in the
world of man."
Female: "How do you define 'success'?"
Dog: "In 3 ways. First, by not being killed after abandonment and
mistreatment by humans. Second, by accommodating the humans who control us
as best we can, given that we are animals, and not the smartest ones. And
third, by being created by the few who do not allow us to mate
indiscriminately. Most of us are accidents or the result of casual dog
matings by ignorant and careless people."
Female: "You are remarkably insightful about people."
Dog: "And you, along with most every human, are remarkably ignorant
about dogs. We need humans to survive and you will need us to survive.''
The room was silent as the dog continued.
Dog: "We have existed as domesticated dogs for more than 12,000
years. Yet humans still mistreat us, misunderstand us, and blame us for
our behaviors that you do not like. Barking, chewing and other doggish
actions are part of us and are ingrained in us. Human lack of compassion
is our enemy and what we fear most."
"If humans cannot accept our animal nature, learn to understand it,
and respect it, how will humans 'save' any animals in nature. Humans will
not even be able to save themselves unless they start with dogs."
Female: "You truly are a best friend to mankind to tell us these
things."
Dog: "I am man's ONLY friend. My success on earth, and yours as
well, depends on you as humans. I have no choice in the matter."
The room fell nearly silent while the team of scientists cried in
shame as the Dog looked on.

-- Douglas Henninger <OurEarthlyAngels @ aol.com>

__________________________________________
Douglas is a computer technical specialist, poet, songwriter, guitarist,
author of the book and companion song "Earthly Angels" and amateur dog
trainer/dog rescue volunteer. His experiences with people and their
relationships with dogs (their own and others') have led him to a deeper
understanding of nature's unique role for the special creature we call "the
dog".

Thanks Dude & JML

Animals and us. Ever felt
this way?

We work like a horse.
We eat like a pig.
We like to play chicken.
You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake.
We get dog tired.
We can be as quiet as a mouse.
We can be as quick as a cat.
Some of us are as strong as an ox.
People try to buffalo others.
Some are as ugly as a toad.
We can be as gentle as a lamb.
Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish.
We can be as proud as a peacock.
A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
You can get a frog in your throat.
We can be a lone wolf.............
But I'm having a whale of a time!

Thanks Jlona, Phil and Kelvoe

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog
for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the
trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. Then,
one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot,
and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would
react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

Thanks Scott

Well readers it's time to put Tid-Bits to bed.

I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any comments or suggestions please do
hesitate to e-mail them to me. Please do not hesitate to pass
Tid-Bits along to your friends also. You can't beat the price.

Sorry for the length of time between the last Tid-Bits (49) and now.
Working for the Government has pretty well taken much of my time since the 9-11 tragedy. Please understand and be patient with me.

Click to e-mail me.

And may

ALL

Tom & Critters http://wildlife-help.org

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