TID-BITS #49
Christmas Special

DECEMBER 2001

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THE NIGHT BEFORE DOG-MAS



T'was the night before Dog-mas, when all through the pound,
Not a puppy was yelping or playing around.
Our leashes were hung by our kennels with care,
In hopes that St. Bernard would soon find us there.
Chihuahuas were curled up all snug in their beds,
While visions of doggie treats danced in their heads.
Max in his collar, on somebody's lap,
Had tucked in his tail for a midwinter's nap.
When outside the room there arose such a clatter,
My ears perked right up to hear what was the matter.
Away to the window I jumped up with glee,
And barked at the shadows that were cast by a tree.
The glow from the moon changed night into day,
And started me thinking, "Woof, woof, time to play".
When, what with my puppy-dog eyes did I see,
But a splendid dog-sled, led by doggies like me!
With a regal furred driver, commanding, not stern.
I yelped to the others, "That must be St. Bern"!
More rapid than greyhounds, our saviors they came,

And we barked and we howled and called them by name.
"There's Duchess! There's King!  fat Chance, and bare Buffy!
On Fido, On Scooter! On Rover, and Scruffy!
Go by the red hydrant and run past those trees!
Nothing can stop you, not even some fleas!"
As puppies at play chase after a stick
And race to their masters so lovely and quick,
So out in the field his canines all flew,
Catching the Frisbees that St. Bernard threw.
And then in an instant I heard at the door
The scratching and clawing of each little paw....
As I pulled in my nose and was turning around,
Through the door St. Bernard came in with a bound!
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his tail,
His wood cask adorned with an icing of hail;
A bag of chew toys he had brought in with him,
And his mouth was turned up in what looked like a grin.
His eyes, how they twinkled!
His ears flopped, how merry!
His coat shone like crystal, his nose like a cherry!
His big sloppy mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the fur on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a bone he held tight in his teeth,
And his collar encircled his neck like a wreath.
He had a large face and a furry round belly,
That shook when he barked, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was fluffy and plump, a big cuddly old pooch
And I laughed when I saw him and gave him a smooch!
A wink of his eye and a wag of his tail;
We knew right away we'd have homes without fail.
He howled not a howl, but went straight to his deed,
And took down our leashes that soon we would need.
He opened the door and families stood there,
With children, all smiling, and much love to spare.
He leapt to his sled, to his team gave a call,
And away they all flew as if chasing a ball.
But I heard him exclaim, as he chewed on a bone:
"Happy Dog-mas to all and to all a good home!"

Thanks MamiDos

Even Wildlife celebrate Christmas
(Thanks Glenn) Visit Glenn's site:
www.emotionalartworks.20m.com

12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

Cats' Top Ten Favorite X-mas Songs 

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little X-mas

8. Joy to the Curled

7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

6. The First Meow

5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

4. Silent Mice

3. Fluffy, the Snowman

2. Jingle Balls

1. Wreck the Halls!

CHRISTMAS
 

The lighted window shows the room So warm and softly glowing,

The tree so tall with twinkling lights And all the presents showing.

While just outside a starving cat Stands shivering in the cold,

And down the street a stray dog limps, So tired and sick and old.

The baby monkey in the lab Lets out a cry of fear.

The thing he thought was mother Shot out quills when he drew near.

The car speeds by the puppy cries And drags her broken leg.

The beaver in the leg hold trap Lifts pain-filled eyes that beg.

How can we speak of peace on earth And know these things are so,

And say they don't concern us And we ought to let them go?

How can we think we have the right To torture needlessly,

When all the time we know so well It shouldn't have to be.

Come join with us at Christmas time And pledge ourselves anew. 

They need our help so badly, There's so much that we can do.

Don't turn your back upon their pain Because it's hard to see.

They have no other place to turn, They've only you and me.

Gila Manchester

 The Downsizing of Christmas

 Organizational Change at the North Pole Is Required

  The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have
 elected to take the early reindeer retirement package
 has triggered a good deal of concern about whether
they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
 decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was
 necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of
the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
channels and mail order catalogs have diminished
Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and
 permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the
 purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's
annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School,
is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions for which the North
Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to
inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North
Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible
language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got
that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.
Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
never did pull his share of the load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers
and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges
require the North Pole to continue to look for better,
more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
 The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree
 never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It
will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance;

 The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;

 The four calling birds were replaced by an automated
 voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An
 analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
 been calling, how often and how long they talked;

 The five golden rings have been put on hold by the
 Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on
 one commodity could have negative implications for
 institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high
 technology stocks appear to be in order;

 The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can
no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
 production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that
 from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

 The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number
 chosen in better times. The function is primarily
 decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
 swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement;

  As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has
 been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female
 balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
 militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
 upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
 the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.
This function will be phased out as these individuals
 grow older and can no longer do the steps;

 Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of
 Lords plus the expense of international air travel
 prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
 replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen.
 While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect soon an
 oversupply of unemployed congressmen;

 Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is
a simple case of the band getting too big. A
 substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new
 music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will
 drop right down to the bottom line;

  We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted
 people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though
 incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
 deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
 Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal
 profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is
pending.

  Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper
 cuts may be necessary in the future to stay
competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
 request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

thanks DEE
 

True Peace On Earth

'Twas the night before Christmas all snug in the house,
We, some humans, and pets, and one was a mouse,

When they were enjoying Christmas cheer,
Outside an alley cat without an ear,

Stood starving and injured and sick to the bone,
Sat out in the pouring rain all alone,

A dog with big bruises pulled by his lead,
While people hit him till he began to bleed,

An ape in a lab cried out in fright,
When something sharp hit him with all its might,

A cat in a shelter stood lonely in stance,
While people passed by without even a glance,

A fox shrieked when he was in pain,
Caught in a fur trap out in the rain,

If we know this happens, why don't we take action?
We can cut this down fraction by fraction.

Especially on Christmas for peace on earth.
Give the stray cat a nap by the hearth,

And help the poor dog so battered and bruised,
Take him in, though he's used,

Put a stop to the testing, the pain and the fright,
We can do this if we use all our might,

If we talk about peace and of love and joy,
Teach your children that Fido's not a toy,

And realize peace on earth is animals too,
Not just humans like me and you.

~~~~~

The 'Little Ole' Donkey That Had Little To Say 
C. Ralph Bennett 

It was the night before Christmas when all the beasts came together from the farthest places of the earth to talk. The first voice to be heard was the deep, rich bass of the lion. "I speak," he said, "as the king of beasts." And truly he looked a king with his beautiful thick mane and his tawny rippling muscles. "I won't repeat my good deeds. I shall not again tonight repeat the shining stories of the days when the Romans loved me. I shall not recall the story of the one man, Daniel, who defied me in my own den -- a story humbling to me -- which I have often told you to prove I am not proud. I shall say nothing of my stealthy fury that makes the whole continent tremble at the very sound of my name..." 

"Then I shall speak," -- and by the trumpet sound, the beasts knew the elephant spoke. "I am the biggest beast on earth. My size and my strength awe nations. Yet I can walk so softly and lightly that no ear can hear my coming. Isn't that something to be proud of? And I don't believe any of you can flip a tremendous teak log over your shoulder as handily as I can. That takes power. Yes, and who else here has been a beast of war? Who else has crossed the Alps ? You know how very high the Alps are ! I and my strong brothers helped the famous General Hannibal and his soldiers over them in one of his great campaigns. And Hannibal's in history books all over the world." 

A strange, whispering voice broke in: "You know me, the giraffe. Usually I stay silent, but I hope you'll remember I'm the tallest and can look down on you. But please don't think I am bragging because I'm up here above you. I eat from the tops of trees. Nobody else here can do that. Besides, being the tallest, I can run faster than most..." 

"Let me interrupt. " It was the leopard's voice. "You'd have to move pretty fast to outrun certain striped and spotted cousins of mine who hold most of the speed records. Right, cousins ? " The tiger nodded his head and the cheetah, fastest of all, smiled. 

The camel, till now, had been chewing his cud and watching with sad eyes. He cleared his throat and his voice rasped out: "I am neither handsome nor fleet. I have some trouble keeping clean. But I have the right to feel as proud as anyone here. I helped build the pyramids of Egypt! Have any of you ever tackled a job that big ? I am also the only animal in the world that can have two humps on his back. I am used to going many days without water, across scorching sands that would burn the feet off most of you within hours. My friends, the camel counts, and I have a right to feel happy. " 

For a long while after the camel's speech, there was silence. Then the Lama coughed and said: "I am by nature modest. One thing, however -- I, have had much experience crossing mountains. You have heard of the Andes, my home, and the war work I've done." 

Others spoke too. The goose honked, "I laid a golden egg once. Who else has done that?" The turtle said, "I'm the slowest. It's better. When you 90 fast, you go round in circles." The fox said: "I am the slyest, the trickiest, and probably the brainiest of you all. " The zebra said: "For confusion, I'm best. Am I black with white stripes or white with black? " The grizzly bear said: "Who that is as heavy as I can climb a tree as well? " And the polar bear said: "Can anybody but me swim with icebergs or catch fish with a paw ? " 

All this time a little gray beast stood listening. Finally, the other animals looked his way. There wasn't much he could do but speak. "I am a donkey, " he began, in a voice so hoarse and low that the beasts leaned forward to hear. "I can't run fast or go days without water. I couldn't swim a stroke among icebergs. I've never climbed a tree. Nobody is afraid of me. " 

Lower and lower sank the little donkey's voice. His ears drooped, and his head was bowed. The other beasts could hardly hear him. Suddenly he raised his head. His eyes looked far away in time and space and there was a strange glow around him. "Only one thing I have ever done has stuck in my mind. It happened a long, long time ago...on the way to Egypt in the dark of night. I carried a mother who carried a King. "

And that's the truth. Click below for PROOF:


Flash required, back to return

~~~MY BEST FRIEND~~~

Yes, that's me and my best friend - tom
(one OF MY HUMANE SOCIETY Special's)

My dog and I live in this house. You are welcome to come and visit me anytime but we have a few things that you must understand before you visit:

You must expect a few dog hairs to stick to your clothes. I vacuum and clean every day but a Dog lives in this house too.

You may be licked and given a paw a few times but he does this because he loves people and wants to say hello, so if you feel that you are too good for his love then you are not welcome here because this is his home too.

My dog is well mannered and very clean but if you are one of those people who think all animals are dirty and smell then go away. You are not the type of person that I care to associate with.

If you don't like the sound of barking, then my home is not going to be a comfortable place for you to visit. My dog protects me by letting me know I have a visitor. Whether it be a friend or uninvited stranger. If you are a friend, my dog will consider you his friend too but if you are an unwelcome guest, my dog will protect me with his life as I would his.

Do not expect me to lock my dog in another room during your visit. I have trained my dog well so he will not do anything to you except maybe want a pat on the head. I will not subject him to feel as if he is being punished by locking him away for no reason. That would just be cruel.

When you walk in my home, be careful not to trip on a squeaky toy or a bone. These are my dogs little treasures and I will not take them away from him just to show you that I keep a clean house. He knows where all his toys are. They may not look like much to you, but to him, they are worth more then gold.

You see, This is OUR home. 

We have been together since he was a small pup scampering around the house, a tiny bit of a thing only a few weeks old. I raised him into a well mannered, beautifully behaved Dog. I am proud of him. I consider him my personal gift from God. He has done nothing but give me his endless love and devotion for many years. I love him dearly and want to make his years happy ones. As happy as he makes mine.

When you go home to your family, he stays here with me. A fine and loving companion. He is MY family and I wouldn't change that for the world. When times were hard, we both went hungry. When it was cold and there was no heat, we both kept each warm. When I was sick, he stayed right by my side as I did his when he was not having a good day. A better friend I could not ask for. When no one else cared, my Dog did. He has given me nothing but pure joy and I love him endlessly. 

So please understand that I am not being rude.

I'm just looking out for my best friend.

Thanks Scott

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December.  Female reindeer retain their antlers til after they give
birth in the spring...

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a
girl.

We should have known... Only women would be able to drag a fat-
butted man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night
 and not get lost.

***Note*** from Tom: Guys I was under heavy pressure to include this. SORRY

Thanks Dee..  (you got me in trouble)

How the "M" came to be above the face of all tabby cats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Jesus was born in the stable in Bethlehem, one
of the animals there was a dusty little tabby cat.

It was cold in the stable, and the baby started to cry. The
little tabby cat washed and washed and washed until his
coat was clean and shiny, and then jumped into the manger
and lay down next to little Jesus and began to purr. He was
so warm, and his purr so soothing, that soon the baby had
gone to sleep.

Mary wanted to thank the cat, so she drew her initial on
his head with her fingertip.  And from that day to this,
every tabby cat has worn a letter "M" above its eyes -
the mark of the grateful Virgin.

paraphrased from Paul Harvey
Thanks  BOPKITTEN

MY FAVORITE HUNTING JOKE
 
NEW-BEE HUNTERS

        A couple of "New-bee" hunters are out in the woods when one of
them  falls  to  the ground.
        He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in his head.   The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead!! What can I do?".

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.

I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

 ...There is a silence, then a shot is heard

BANG
...The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

thanks Ray T.
I guess I will be in trouble over this one.

'Tis the night before Christmas and all through the town,
every shelter is full - we are lost but not found,
Our numbers are hung on our kennels so bare,
we hope every minute that someone will care,
They'll come to adopt us and give us the call,
"Come here, Max and Princess - come fetch your new ball!!
But now we sit here and think of the days
we were treated so fondly - we had cute, baby ways.
Once we were little, then we grew and we grew,
now we're no longer young and we're no longer new.

So out the back door we were thrown like the trash,
they reacted so quickly - why were they so rash?
We "jump on the children:, "don't come when they call",
we "bark when they leave us", climb over the wall.
We should have been neutered, we should have been spayed,
now we suffer the consequence of the errors THEY made.

If only they'd trained us, if only we knew,
we'd have done what they asked us and worshipped them, too.
We were left in the backyard, or worse - left to roam,
now we're tired and lonely and out of a home.
They dropped us off here and they kissed us good-bye,
"Maybe someone else will give you a try."

So now here we are, all confused and alone,
in a shelter with others who long for a home.
The kind workers come through with a meal and a pat,
with so many to care for, they can't stay to chat,
They move to the next kennel, giving each of us cheer,
we know that they wonder how long we'll be here.
We lay down to sleep and sweet dreams fill our heads,
of a home filled with love and our own cozy beds.
Then we wake to see sad eyes, brimming with tears,
our friends filled with emptiness, worry, and fear.

If you can't adopt us and there's no room at the Inn,
could you help with the bills and fill our food bin?
We count on your kindness each day of the year,
can you give more than hope to everyone here?
Please make a donation to pay for the heat
and help get us something special to eat.
The shelter that cares for us wants us to live,
and more of us will, if more people will give.

If not, maybe guess what:
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHELTER
(YOU ARE THE ANSWER)

A Christmas Poem from the Dog

Eyeing hydrants, digging holes,

Drinking from the toilet bowls...

Playing games of "tug-o'-war",

Putting scratch marks on your door...

Rolling over, playing dead,

Getting dog hair on your bed...

Scaring folks who bring the mail,

Chasing cars, as well as my tail...

Barking, begging, heeling, howling,

And also, on occasion, growling,

Romping through a field of grass

Sneezing, snoozing, passing gas...

Sniffing everything I see,

Peeing on the Christmas tree...

Woofing, wagging, chomping, chewing,

These are things I sure love doing!

(But I'll try not to do that tree thing...)

*unknown

thanks Scott

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO
ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
~~~~~~~~~~

Peace, kindness, love, understanding - these are the unworldly things that make Christmas truly "happy," "merry" and meaningful. 

Thus, my fervent wish and prayer to all my readers are: "The Blessings of PEACE, the Blessing of HOPE, the Spirit of LOVE. May these be your gifts this Christmas and the New Year." 
Tom @ Critters
~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you enjoy Tid-Bits 49, if so, I would love to hear
from you. Comments, remarks, are all appreciated.
It gets lonely at the bottom.

(CLICK TO E-MAIL TOM)

P.S. A special thanks to Mike my Webmaster for his major
help with Tid-Bits this year. Check out his web-site:
http://xjuzr.com/ 

Also to Dee and Scott and all that contributed jokes, story's etc.

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