BUM

He's a little dog, with a stubby tail, and a moth-eaten coat of tan,
And his legs are short, of the wobbly sort; I doubt if he ever ran;
And howls at night, while in broad daylight he sleeps like a blooming' log,
And he likes the food of the gutter breed; he's a most irregular dog.

I call him Bum, and in total sum, he's all that his name implies,
For he's just a tramp with a highway stamp that culture cannot disguise.
And his friends, I've found, in the streets abound, be they urchins, dogs or men;
Yet he sticks to me with a fiendish glee. It is truly beyond my ken.

I talk to him when I'm lonesome-like, and I'm sure that he understands
When he looks at me so attentively and gently licks my hands;
Then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught
there at, For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that!

By W. Dayton Wedgefarth

Thanks BOBKITTEN

 YES, ANOTHER STORY

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a
  winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book
  she could find on ice fishing.

  For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an
  expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out
  she went for her first ice fishing trip.

  She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment
  needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own
  special place in her kit.

  When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed
  her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she
  was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice
  from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

  Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further
  along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and
  started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed,
  "There are no fish under the ice!"

  Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this
certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her
  gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she
  stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was
  extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the
  right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

  Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again,
  "There are no fish under the ice!"

  Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you
  Lord?"

  The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating
  rink!"

Thanks Dee

A DOG'S DIARY

5:30am Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting 
the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the 
paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house 
was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared 
very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. 
His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is 
I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though He didn't go in to 
work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking 
coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why. 

7:30am Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, 
obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I 
let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from 
limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. 

This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master 
added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people 
couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support. 

10:00am I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, 
for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog. 

1:00pm I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he 
left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me 
on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd 
skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast 
was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem 
ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my 
idea of a delicacy. 

2:00pm Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was 
furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my 
present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris 
and raving in a most irrational fashion. 
I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my 
stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost 
all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack. 

4:00pm Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was 
able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. 
We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread 
served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids.
 Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating 
nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, 
that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in 
the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the
 head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him. 

5:00pm What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to 
a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in 

the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the 
wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively 
radiated eau de road kill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't 
know what he's missing. 

6:00pm Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, 
made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me 
several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became 
drenched, and in the end he was shivering. 
Why in the world does he do stuff like this? 

9:00pm Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's 
home. Ah, the life of a dog. 

Thanks CricketD1

Kitten's Night Thoughts

When human folk put out the light
And think they've made it dark as night,
A pussycat sees every bit
As well as when the lights are lit.

When human folk have gone upstairs
And shed their skins and said their prayers,
And there is no one to annoy,
Then Pussycat may her life enjoy.

No human hands to pinch or slap,
Or rub her fur against the nap,
Or throw cold water from a pail,
Or make a handle of her tail.

And so you will not seek it wrong,
When she can play the whole night long,
With no one to disturb her play,
That pussycat goes to bed by day.



By Oliver Herford

Thanks BOBKITTEN