IS FOR THE BIRDS

~~WHY???~~

ONE DAY WHILE SITTING BY A TREE
I HEARD A BIRD SING HAPPILY.

WHERE IT WAS I COULDN'T SEE
UNTIL IT MADE A MESS ON ME.
I OFTEN SIT AND WATCH THE SKY
I SEE THE BIRDS AS THEY FLY BY.
BUT NOW I HAVE TO ASK YOU WHY
A BIRD WOULD POOP ON YOU OR I?

AM I NUTS OR WHAT?
I HAVE WAITED 60 YEARS TO ENJOY RETIREMENT, MANY THE HOURS
I'VE SPEND DREAMING OF LAZY SUMMER DAYS READING IN MY GARDEN.
I'VE FANTASIZED TAKING LONG STROLLS ALONG THE PACIFIC OCEAN
OR THROUGH OLD GROWTH FORESTS BREATHING THE PINE FRESH AIR
WHILE SEARCHING OUT THE ELUSIVE SPOTTED OWL.

JUST ELEVEN SHORT YEARS AGO I WAS A DOMESTIC ENGINEER
(HOUSEWIFE) AND MOTHER. MY VOLUNTEER EFFORTS WERE AT OUR
LOCAL HOSPITAL. I LIVED A NORMAL, QUIET LIFE. ALL THAT CHANGED
THE DAY I ANSWERED AN ADD SEEKING A VOLUNTEER AT A WILDLIFE
SHELTER. FOUR YEARS LATER I WAS PROFICIENT IN CLEANING THE MOUSE HOUSE, CUTTING UP A VARIETY OF "THINGS" FOR ANIMALS, CHANGING
NEWSPAPER IN CAGES, SCRUBBING, DISINFECTING, HOSING DOWN, AND
IDENTIFYING A NUMBER OF SPECIES OF BIRDS AND ANIMALS.
I ALSO HAD BEEN BITTEN BY A MOTHER RAT, HAD MY FIRST LOVE AFFAIR

WITH TWIN RACCOONS, BEEN POOPED ON FROM EVERY URBAN BIRD AND
ANIMAL IMAGINABLE, SQUAWKED AT, GONE EYE TO EYE WITH HAWKS AND
EAGLES, BEEN KISSED BY A DEER AND ...I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
MY INTRODUCTION TO NATURE WAS THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE. I READ AND
WATCHED EVERYTHING I COULD ON WILDLIFE REHABILITATION IN ORDER TO
BECOME MORE PROFICIENT AT MY NEW HOBBY. WHILE GIVING GUIDED TOURS,
STORIES BROUGHT TEARS TO THE EYES OF VISITORS AND MUCH NEEDED
DONATIONS INTO THE MONEY BOX. A NEWSLETTER SEEMED THE ONLY
LOGICAL NEXT STEP AND ONCE AGAIN THE EMOTIONS FLOWED THROUGH MY
PEN INTO THE HEARTS OF OUR READERS. VOLUNTEERS AND FUNDING
INCREASED. MY COMMUNITY NEWSPAPER BEGAN CALLING ME NAMES;
ENVIRONMENTALIST, ANIMAL ACTIVIST, TO NAME A FEW. I WAS STUNNED.
IN MY MIND I WAS JUST A PERSON WHO CARED ABOUT HER ENVIRONMENT
AND THE CREATURES WITHIN.

GRADUALLY THE PHONE CALLS BEGAN COMING IN.
"HELLO, ARE YOU THE LADY WHO LOOKS AFTER RACCOONS, SOMETHING IS UNDER MY HOUSE, CAN YOU COME AND TAKE IT AWAY?"
AT FIRST IT WAS ABOUT ONE CALL A MONTH, THEN AS TIME PASSED AND
WORD OF MY FAME SPREAD IT JUMPED TO WEEKLY, AND NOW SOME WEEKS
ARE SIMPLY MADDENING.

RING, RING, "HELLO," "HI ARE YOU THE LADY WHO LOOKS AFTER ANIMALS?"
"WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?" "I JUST FOUND A BABY RAT IN MY COMPOST
PILE, IT'S EYES ARE NOT OPEN YET AND I WANT TO RAISE IT. PLEASE
DON'T TELL ME TO KILL IT, I JUST WANT TO HELP IT ALONG UNTIL I CAN
RELEASE IT. CAN YOU HELP ME?" "HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THIS UH...THING?"
"WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING IT AND HAVE YOU STIMULATED IT YET?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN STIMULATE IT? I HAVE BEEN STROKING IT AND TALKING
TO IT, IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN? OH YEAH I FOUND IT YESTERDAY
AFTERNOON, AND HAVE BEEN GIVING IT COWS MILK. IS THAT THE RIGHT
THING TO DO?".........

RING-A LING - "HELLO".
"I READ YOUR ARTICLE IN THE PAPER, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
SQUIRRELS IN THE ATTIC? YOU SEE I HAVE THIS...."

RRRRRRRRRRRRING - "HELLO".
"DO YOU RENT TRAPS? WILL YOU COME AND TRAP WHATEVER IS UNDER
MY PORCH? CAN I LET MY DOG OUT TO PEE?"

RING, RING, "HI".
MY FRIEND TOLD ME YOU ARE A RACCOON EXPERT, THEY KEEP ROLLING UP
MY TURF. EVERY DAY MY HUSBAND LAYS IT AND EVERY NIGHT THEY
ROLL IT UP. MY HUSBAND HAS A BAD BACK............

RRRRRRRRING - "YES".
"SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL MORNING? PUT ON YOUR RUNNERS, 
TIME FOR WALKIES, THOUGHT WE'D GO DOWN TO THE FENCE, SOMEONE
SAID THERE WAS A INJURED HAWK THERE.

RING A DING - "HI THERE!"
"THERE ARE THREE BABY RACCOONS CRYING IN MY BACKYARD, I THINK THE
MOM IS DEAD, WHAT SHOULD I DO? HAVE THEY GOT TEETH?"

RING A LING - "HELLO".
"DON'T FORGET THE URBAN WILDLIFE MEETING ON THURSDAY.
ANYTHING TO REPORT?"

"YOUR NAME WAS GIVEN TO ME AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE
THOUGHT OF GOING INTO BUSINESS FOR YOURSELF?"

RRRRRRING - "HELLO".
"WHO DO YOU CALL FOR A BEACHED WHALE" "I THINK IT'S A WHALE,
I HAVE CALLED EVERYWHERE AND NO-ONE SEEMS INTERESTED, WILL YOU
COME DOWN TO THE BEACH AND LOOK?"

RING - "HELLO"
"HI, DO YOU TAKE IN STRAY CATS?'

RRRRRRRRRING "YEAH"
"THERE'S A DEER OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY! I DAMN NEAR
GOT RUN OVER, NO-ONE WILL STOP THEIR CAR, CAN YOU GO DOWN AND
GET THE DEER? WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

AFTER A WEEK OF THESE PHONE CALLS I'M EXHAUSTED, THE HOUSE IS A
MESS AND WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT'S FOR SUPPER! I AM JUST GLAD
THAT THESE CALLERS CARE ENOUGH TO TRY AND FIND THE ANSWERS.
NOW IF THEY WOULD JUST CALL ME BACK ONCE IN AWHILE WITH SOME 
FEEDBACK, SOMEDAY MAYBE. OH WELL THE RACCOON KITS ARE IN CARE
AND I'M OFF TO THE SHOWER, THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!

RINNNNNNNNG - "HELLO"
"DID YOU HEAR THERE'S AN OIL SPILL?"
"YOU GOOTA BE KIDDING!"

you can contact dee at Dee37@telus.net

~~MY PET FISH~~

AL WAS STOPPED BY A  GAME-WARDER RECENTLY AS HE WAS LEAVING HIS FAVORITE FISHING SPOT ON THE LAKE WITH TWO BUCKETS OF FISH.
THE GAME WARDEN ASKED AL. "DO YOU HAVE A LICENSE TO CATCH THOSE FISH AL?" AL REPLIED TO THE GAME WARDEN, "NO, SIR.
THESE ARE MY PET FISH."
"PET FISH!" THE WARDEN REPLIED. "YES, SIR. EVERY NIGHT I TAKE THESE HERE FISH DOWN TO THE LAKE AND LET THEM SWIM AROUND
FOR A WHILE. I WHISTLE AND THEY JUMP BACK INTO THEIR BUCKETS, AND I TAKE THEM HOME.
"THAT'S A BUNCH OF HOOEY! FISH CAN'T DO THAT!" REPLIED THE GAME WARDEN.
AL LOOKED AT THE GAME WARDEN FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU. IT REALLY WORKS."
"O.K. I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS" REPLIED THE GAME WARDEN.
THE GAME WARDEN WAS CURIOUS NOW.
AL POURED THE FISH INTO THE LAKE AND STOOD AND WAITED.
AFTER SEVERAL MINUTES, THE GAME WARDEN TURNED TO AL AND SAID, "WELL." "WELL, WHAT?" AL RESPONDED.
"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THEM BACK?"
"CALL WHO BACK?" AL ASKED.
"THE FISH",  RESPONDED THE GAME WARDEN.

"WHAT FISH?" AL ASKED.

THANKS HAL BRYANT.

ARE YOU A VIEWER OR A DOER??

Petition: eBay Alaskan Wolf Hunt auctions
  Targets: Margaret Whitman CEO eBay Inc.
  Sponsor: Tyler Stamper
    Goal: 10000  by 2001-06-15

PLEASE CLICK BELOW TO SIGN THIS PETITION

(CLICK)

Dear Margaret Whitman:

On March 25th, 2001, an eBay.com user posted an auction to sell a "Guided Alaskan Wolf Hunt." The auction 
offered a five day trip guided by Castle Rock Outfitters in Healy Alaska. The auction stated "Hunting is by rifle only and the hunter may take up to 5 wolves on this trip!!"

We find this kind of offer sickening, and a poor reflection on eBay. We ask that eBay do the right thing and make a public press release stating that it will no longer allow animal hunts to be auctioned on its site.

THANKS CAROLYN BUTLER

NOTE TO READERS

If the wolf is to survive, the wolf haters must be outnumbered. 
They must be out shouted, out financed, and outvoted. Their narrow and 
biased attitude must be outweighed by an attitude based on an 
understanding of natural processes. Finally their hate must be 
outdone by a love for the whole of nature, for the unspoiled 
wilderness, and for the wolf as a beautiful, interesting, and 
integral part of both.
TOM

CAT PRAYER

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I PRAY THIS CUSHY LIFE TO KEEP.
I PRAY FOR TOYS THAT LOOK LIKE MICE,
AND SOFA CUSHIONS SOFT AND NICE.

I PRAY FOR GOURMET KITTY SNACKS,
AND SOMEONE NICE TO SCRATCH MY BACK,
FOR WINDOWSILLS ALL WARM AND BRIGHT,
FOR SHADOWS TO EXPLORE AT NIGHT.

I PRAY I'LL ALWAYS STAY REAL COOL
AND KEEP THE SECRET FELINE RULE.
TO NEVER TELL A HUMAN THAT
THE WORLD IS REALLY RULED BY CATS.

BET YA DIDN'T KNOW THAT.....

Thanks JML

~~~CALCULATING DOG YEARS~~~

USE THIS FORMULA:
THE FIRST YEAR OF A DOG'S LIFE = 15 YEARS.
THE SECOND YEAR OF A DOG'S LIFE - 10 YEARS.
EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IS EQUAL TO 3 "HUMAN YEARS"

EXAMPLE:
A 10 YEAR OLD DOG WOULD BE:
15 + 10 (3x8) = 49!
A 15 YEAR OLD DOG WOULD BE:
15 + 10 + (3x13) = 64!
HAPPY CALCULATING!

~~CAT RULES~~

BATHROOMS - ALWAYS ACCOMPANY GUESTS TO THE BATHROOM. IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO DO ANYTHING. JUST SIT AND STARE.

DOORS  - DO NOT ALLOW ANY CLOSED DOORS IN ANY ROOM. TO GET THE DOOR OPEN, STAND ON HIND LEGS AND HAMMER WITH FOREPAWS. ONCE DOOR IS OPENED, IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO USE IT. AFTER YOU HAVE ORDERED AN "OUTSIDE" DOOR OPENED, STAND HALFWAY IN AND OUT AND THINK ABOUT SEVERAL THINGS. THIS IS PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT DURING VERY COLD WEATHER , RAIN, SNOW, OR MOSQUITO SEASON.

CHAIRS AND RUGS - IF YOU HAVE TO THROW UP, GET TO A CHAIR QUICKLY. IF YOU CANNOT MANAGE IN TIME, GET TO AN ORIENTAL RUG. IF THERE IS NO ORIENTAL RUG, SHAG IS GOOD. WHEN THROWING UP ON THE CARPET, MAKE SURE YOU BACK UP SO IT IS AS LONG AS A HUMAN'S BARE FOOT. (HOW TRUE)

HAMPERING - IF ONE OF YOUR HUMANS IS ENGAGED IN SOME ACTIVITY, AND THE OTHER IS IDLE, STAY WITH THE BUSY ONE. THIS IS CALLED "HELPING," OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "HAMPERING."  THE FOLLOWING ARE THE RULES FOR HAMPERING:
A.  WHEN SUPERVISING COOKING, SIT JUST BEHIND THE LEFT HEEL OF THE COOK. YOU CANNOT BE SEEN AND THEREBY STAND A BETTER CHANCE OF BEING STEPPED ON AND THEN PICKED UP AND COMFORTED.
B.  FOR BOOK READERS, GET IN CLOSE UNDER THE CHIN, BETWEEN EYES AND BOOK UNLESS YOU CAN LIE ACROSS THE BOOK ITSELF.
C.  WHEN HUMAN IS WORKING AT COMPUTER, JUMP UP ON DESK, WALK ACROSS KEYBOARD, BAT AT MOUSE POINTER ON SCREEN, AND THEN LAY IN HUMAN'S LAP ACROSS ARMS, HAMPERING TYPING IN PROGRESS. THEY LOVE IT.

WALKING - AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, DART QUICKLY AND AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE IN FRONT OF THE HUMAN, ESPECIALLY: ON STAIRS, WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR ARMS, IN THE DARK, AND WHEN THEY FIRST GET UP IN THE MORNING. THIS WILL HELP THEIR COORDINATION SKILLS.

BEDTIME - ALWAYS SLEEP ON THE HUMAN AT NIGHT SO HE/SHE CANNOT MOVE AROUND. BE SURE TO MOVE AND CHANGE PLACES OFTEN.

LITTER BOX - WHEN USING THE LITTER BOX, BE SURE TO KICK AS MUCH LITTER OUT OF THE BOX AS POSSIBLE. HUMANS LOVE THE FEEL OF KITTY LITTER BETWEEN THEIR TOES.

HIDING - EVERY NOW AND THEN, HIDE IN A PLACE WHERE THE HUMANS CANNOT FIND YOU. DO NOT COME OUT FOR THREE TO FOUR HOURS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. THIS WILL CAUSE THE HUMANS TO PANIC (WHICH THEY LOVE) THINKING THAT YOU HAVE RUN AWAY OR ARE LOST. ONCE YOU DO COME OUT, THE HUMANS WILL COVER YOU WITH LOVE AND KISSES, AND YOU PROBABLY WILL GET A TREAT.

ONE LAST THOUGHT - WHENEVER POSSIBLE, GET CLOSE TO A HUMAN, ESPECIALLY THEIR FACE, TURN AROUND, AND PRESENT YOUR BUTT TO HEM. HUMANS LOVE THIS, SO DO IT OFTEN, AND DON'T FORGET THE GUESTS.

DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF YOUR CAT???

Thanks Carolynn B.

~~AUTUMN SUN~~
BY CHRISTY CABALLERO

IN QUIET MOMENTS I FIND MYSELF PAUSING, JUST TO LOOK AT KODIE. THE TELLTALE WHITE OF AGE
DEFINES HIS MUZZLE MORE CLEARLY EACH DAY. SLEEP HAS EDGED ITS WAY IN AS THE NUMBER ONE
PRIORITY. SOMETIMES WHEN HE SLEEPS SO VERY SOUNDLY, I CAN'T LOOK AWAY UNTIL I SEE THE
FAMILIAR RISE AND FALL OF HIS GREAT CHEST, UNTIL I REASSURE MYSELF THAT HE IS, IN FACT
BREATHING.
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, KODIE HAS MATURED GRACEFULLY. BEING CLASSED BY HIS SIZE AS A 
GIANT BREED GOES HAND IN HAND WITH AGING FASTER THAN THE SMALL DOGS. SOME GIANT BREEDS
SHOW THEIR AGE IN AS FEW AS SEVEN YEARS. KODIE RECENTLY TURNED TWELVE.
AT VALLEY VETERINARY CLINIC, HE'S A LEGEND. THEY'VE SEEN HIM THROUGH ILLS AND INJURIES
OVER THE YEARS. HE'S HAD AT LEAST HIS SHARE OF "BUMPS IN THE ROAD" BUT HE'S HANDLED THEM ALL
WITH A PLEASANT ATTITUDE AND PATIENCE.

LAST MONTH, ON THE FRINGES OF HEALING UP FROM HIS CRUCIATE LIGAMENT SURGERY, HE BECAME
ILL, FRETFUL, PAINFUL. THE CLINIC POLITELY SQUEEZED HIM INTO THEIR BUSY SATURDAY SCHEDULE.
POOR KODIE BARELY HAD A FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW ON HIS LAST SURGICAL SHAVE AREA.
DURING HIS EXAM AND TREATMENT, I MENTIONED THAT MONDAY WOULD BE HIS TWELFTH BIRTHDAY.
CLEARLY KODIE HAD CARVED HIS OWN PLACE IN THE HEARTS OF HIS FRIENDS AT THE CLINIC.
ALMOST BEFORE I COULD SAY "THANK YOU," MONDAY'S SCHEDULE WAS ARRANGED. KODIE WOULD 
COME BACK FOR A RECHECK AND A BIRTHDAY BATH, COURTESY OF HIS CLINIC PALS.

WHEN A NEW ASSISTANT HELPED ME TAKE KODIE TO THE CAR, SHE KEPT SAYING HOW SPECIAL HE IS,
HOW KIND AND SWEET TO WORK WITH. THAT'S KODIE ALL RIGHT.
HE WAS COMFORTABLE OVER THE WEEKEND, AND MONDAY'S RECHECK GAVE A GOOD PROGNOSIS.
WHEN I WENT TO PICK KODIE UP AFTER HIS BIRTHDAY BATH, I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES. 
HE WAS LED INTO THE LOBBY WEARING TWO NEW BANDANNAS AROUND HIS NECK - ONE BRIGHT
TEAL WITH COWBOY BOOTS, AND THE OTHER A RED AND WHITE SCIENCE DIET BANDANNA, WITH
ADHESIVE TAPE MESSAGES TAPED ALL OVER IT. "WAY TO GO KODIE", "HAPPY B-DAY", "WE LOVE YOU KODIE,"
AND ON AN ON.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO CRY OR GIGGLE WHEN TWO CARDS AND A BIRTHDAY BOX COME OUT OF HIDING.
THE CARDS WERE FILLED WITH AFFECTIONATE WORDS. THE BOX WAS FILLED WITH FAVORITE DOG TREATS
AND PLENTY OF THINGS TO KEEP KODIE SMELLING FRESH AT HOME -- FRAGRANT MOUSSE, WATERLESS
SHAMPOO, EVEN SPRAY COLOGNE (KENNEL NO. 5).
MORE PATIENTS CAME INTO THE LOBBY, SO IT WAS TIME TO HEAD FOR HOME AND LET EVERYBODY GET
BACK TO BUSINESS. ON THE WAY TO THE CAR, MEMORIES JOCKEYED FOR POSITION. I REALIZED IT ISN'T
TYPICAL FOR A DOG TO SPARK SO MANY PHONE CALLS FROM VETS AND SUPPORT STAFF, JUST CHECKING
ON THE OLD GUY. IT ISN'T TYPICAL FOR A HUGE DOG TO BE SO KIND IN THE MIDST OF HIS OWN SICKNESS OR 
PAIN. BUT THEN, KODIE ISN'T TYPICAL.

WHAT DO WE DO WHEN OUR LOVING PETS FACE THE LAST LEG OF THE RACE? WE DO ALL WE CAN TO HELP
THEM FINISH WELL, OF COURSE. WE TAKE TIME TO READ THE UNSPOKEN NEEDS OF THE FRIENDS WE'VE
COME TO KNOW SO WELL. WE GIVE THE SIMPLE REASSURANCE OF A LOVING TOUCH WHEN THE OLD BOY
SEEMS CONFUSED FOR NO REASON. WE GROOM THEM FAITHFULLY, BUT MORE GENTLY, AS AGE BRINGS
MUSCLE WASTING, AND THE ARTHRITIC BONES AREN'T  SO WELL PADDED. WE LEARN TO SLOW DOWN
FOR THEIR SAKE, AS THEY ENJOY THE SCENT OF THE WIND, OR TRACK A VISITORS TRAIL ACROSS THE YARD.

WE EXPECT TO BE INCONVENIENCED, AND AREN'T ANGRY WHEN IT HAPPENS. WE WATCH FOR PAIN AND
TREAT IT, WATCH FOR CHANGES IN VISION AND HEARING AND DO WHAT WE CAN TO HELP PRESERVE THOSE
PRECIOUS SENSES FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. WE TAKE CARE OF THEIR TEETH, AND MAKE SURE THEIR
FOOD IS A MANAGEABLE TEXTURE FOR THEM. WE REMIND THEM OF THE NEED FOR A POTTY WALK WHEN
THEY SEEM TO FORGET. WE REMEMBER THE LITTLE REWARDS. WE SCRATCH THE GRAYING EARS AND
TUMMY, AND GO FOR CAR RIDES TOGETHER. WHEN THE PET WE LOVE HAS A UNEXPLAINED NEED FOR 
COMFORT, WE GIVE IT FREELY. WHEN INFIRMITIES BRING A SENSE OF VULNERABILITY, WE BECOME OUR
GUARDIAN'S PROTECTOR. WE WATCH THEIR DEEPEST SLUMBERS, WHEN DREAMS TAKE THEM RUNNING
ACROSS LONG-FORGOTTEN FIELDS, AND WE REMEMBER THOSE FIELDS TOO. WHEN THEY CANNOT STAND
ALONE, WE LIFT THEM. WHEN THEIR STEPS ARE UNCERTAIN, WE STEADY THEM. AND IF THEIR HEALTH
FAILS, IT FALLS TO US TO MAKE THE CHOICE THAT WILL GENTLY PUT THEM TO REST.

BUT UNTIL THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, WE PAUSE TO LET THE AUTUMN SUN WARM OUR OLD 
FRIEND'S BONES. AND WE REALIZE AUTUMN IS NOT A BAD TIME OF YEAR AT ALL.

OLD AGE IS NOT A DISEASE, OR A REASON TO GIVE UP. IT IS A STAGE OF LIFE THAT BRINGS ITS OWN
CHANGES. AUTUMN CAN BE A BEAUTIFUL TIME OF HARVEST. AND, SOMETIMES, THE HARVEST IS
LOVE.

Written by Christy Caballero - greeneyz@cport.com    Let her know what you think of the story please.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TID-BITS 42... I HOPE YOU ENJOYED
IT. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO 
WISH ALL MOTHERS OUT THERE A VERY HAPPY

"MOTHERS DAY"

IF YOU ENJOYED TID-BITS PLEASE PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS.

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Hugs to all Tom

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