Tid-Bits # 39

TRAINING YOUR HUMAN

Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.

The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
As felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.

Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.

Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.

The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.

These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, hate only mice.

Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:

The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.

Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.

Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new Berber rug.

And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
Paw at their lower lip and chew on their toes.

Strut on the mantle, If they give any flack,
Knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.

Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
As she's headed out for a night on the town.

If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),

They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate until dawn's early light.

Knock over the tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon they'll return...

When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).

A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
But they will try harder to scold you, of course!

So hide in the closet until they forget,
And then launch out just like an F-14 jet.

Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
Then when they've had all the pain they can stand.

Dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
And celebrate victory: The felines have won!

To humans, however, the battle's begun,
As they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.

Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.

Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).

So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.

Thanks Cool.

BOING!

A MAN WAS SITTING QUIETLY WATCHING T.V. ONE MORNING,
PEACEFULLY ENJOYING HIMSELF, WHEN HIS WIFE SNEAKS
UP BEHIND HIM AND WHACKS HIM ON THE BACK OF HIS 
HEAD WITH A HUGE BLACK FRYING PAN.

MAN: "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

WIFE: "WHAT WAS THAT PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR PANT'S POCKET WITH THE NAME MARYLOU WRITTEN ON IT?!"
MAN: OH HONEY, DON'T YOU REMEMBER TWO WEEKS AGO
WHEN I WENT TO THE HORSE RACES?

MARYLOU WAS THE NAME OF ONE OF THE HORSES I BET ON."
THE WIFE SEEMED SATISFIED AND HEADED ON TO DO SOME WORK AROUND THE HOUSE, FEELING A BIT SHEEPISH.
THREE DAYS LATER HE ONCE AGAIN SITTING IN HIS CHAIR
WATCHING T.V. AND SHE REPEATS THE FRYING PAN

SWATTING. BOING!!
MAN: "WHAT'S THAT FOR THIS TIME?"
*****NOW GUYS READING THIS TAKE HEED*****
LEAVE NOTHING FOR YOU WIFE TO READ.

WIFE: "YOUR HORSE CALLED!"

12 IMPORTANT THINGS A DOG MUST REMEMBER

1.    I WILL NOT PLAY TUG-OF-WAR WITH DAD'S UNDERWEAR WHEN HE'S ON THE TOILET.
2.    THE GARBAGE COLLECTOR IS NOT STEALING OUR STUFF. 
3.    I WILL NOT ROLL MY TOYS BEHIND THE FRIDGE.
4.     I WILL NOT ROLL ON DEAD SEAGULLS, FISH, CRABS, ETC.
5.    I WILL STOP TRYING TO FIND THE FEW REMAINING PIECES OF CLEAN 
         CARPET IN THE HOUSE TO THROW UP ON.
6.    "KITTY BOX CRUNCHES" ARE NOT FOOD.
                                                                         
7.    WHEN IN THE CAR, I WILL NOT INSIST ON HAVING THE WINDOW ROLLED DOWN
         WHEN IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE
8.    THE SOFA IS NOT A FACE TOWEL. NEITHER IS MY HUMANS LAPS.
                                                                        
9.    WE DO NOT HAVE A DOORBELL. I WILL NOT BARK EACH TIME I HEAR ONE ON T.V.
10.  MY HEAD DOES NOT BELONG IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
11.  I WILL NOT WAKE MY HUMANS UP BY STICKING MY WET NOSE ON THEIR BOTTOMS.
                                                                             
12.  THE CLOTHS BASKET IS NOT A COOKIE JAR.  

THANKS MAMAD
                                         

GREAT SITE - (CLICK ON BANNER) - GOOD INFORMATION

Thanks ABDRDUDE

YES, YOU LUCKY PEOPLE, ANOTHER FISHING STORY.
TRUE STORY

THERE WAS A YOUNG BOY WHO WAS FISHING OFF A LAKE SHORE TRYING TO CAT CATFISH.
HE WAS BY HIMSELF, BUT THEIR WAS A MAN OUT ON A BOAT DRINKING A LITTLE BIT IN 
MIDDLE OF THE LAKE FISHING.

THE BOY HAD BEEN SITTING THERE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS AND WAS GETTING TIRED
OF FISHING, SO HE STARTED TO REEL HIS LINE IN. IT FELT LIKE IT WAS HUNG ON SOMETHING
ON THE BOTTOM. THE MAN IN THE BOAT SEEN HE WAS HAVING TROUBLE AND YELLED TO
HIM THAT HE WOULD SWIM DOWN AND GET IT UNHOOKED.
THE BOY WAS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT THAT BECAUSE THE MAN HAD BEEN DRINKING,
BUT HE SAID ALL RIGHT.

THE MAN UNDRESSED AND JUMPED IN. HE WENT UNDERWATER AND WAS DOWN THERE
AWHILE AND THE BOY WAS GETTING SCARED, BUT SUDDENLY THE MAN POPPED UP
GASPING FOR AIR.

HE HOLLERED TO THE BOY THAT HE HAD THE BIGGEST FISH HE'D EVER SEEN ON THE
OTHER END OF HIS LINE, BUT THERE WAS ONE PROBLEM.

THERE WAS AN OLD CAR DOWN THERE AND THE FISH WAS IN IT.
THE BOY ASKED THE MAN IF HE COULD PULL THE FISH OUT. THE MAN SAID HE
HAD TRIED EVERYTHING HE COULD THINK OF BUT EVERY TIME HE GOT CLOSE TO THE CAR,
THE FISH WOULD ROLL THE WINDOW UP.......

AND THAT'S THE TRUTH...
AND NO IT WAS NOT ME IN THE BOAT.

~~A DOG FOR JESUS~~

I WISH SOMEONE HAD GIVEN JESUS A DOG AS LOYAL AND LOVING AS MINE.
TO SLEEP BY HIS MANGER AND GAZE IN HIS EYES AND ADORE HIM FOR BEING DEVINE.

AS OUT LORD GREW TO MANHOOD HIS FAITHFUL DOG WOULD HAVE FOLLOWED 
HIM ALL THROUGH THE DAY. 
WHILE HE PREACHED TO THE CROWDS AND MADE THE SICK WELL AND KNELT IN THE 
GARDEN TO PREY.

IT IS SAD TO REMEMBER THAT CHRIST WENT AWAY TO FACE DEATH ALONE AND APART.
WITH NO TENDER DOG FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND TO COMFORT IT'S MASTER'S HEART.

AND WHEN JESUS ROSE ON THAT EASTER MORN HOW HAPPY HE WOULD HAVE BEEN
AS HIS DOG KISSED HIS HANDS AND BARKED ITS DELIGHT FOR THE ONE WHO DIED
FOR ALL MEN.

WELL, THE LORD HAS A DOG NOW, I JUST SENT HIM MINE THE OLD PAL SO DEAR TO ME.
AND I SMILE THROUGH MY TEARS ON THIS FIRST DAY ALONE KNOWING THEY'RE
IN ETERNITY

DAY AFTER DAY, THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH WHENEVER MY ROAD INCLINED.
FOUR FEET SAID, "I AM COMING WITH YOU!" AND TROTTED ALONG BEHIND.

RUNYARD KIPLING.

DEDICATED TO ALL
OUT THERE IN ANIMAL RESCUE

THE YOUNG PUP AND THE OLDER DOG LAY ON SHADED SWEET GRASS WATCHING THE REUNIONS.
SOMETIMES A MAN, SOMETIMES A WOMAN, SOMETIMES A WHOLE FAMILY WOULD APPROACH
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE, BE GREETED BY THEIR LOVING PETS AND CROSS THE BRIDGE
TOGETHER.

THE YOUNG PUP PLAYFULLY NIPPED AT THE OLDER ONE. "LOOK!  SOMETHING WONDERFUL
IS HAPPENING!"

THE OLDER DOG STOOD UP AND BARKED, "QUICKLY.....GET OVER TO THE PATH."

"BUT THAT'S NOT MY OWNER," WHINED THE PUP, BUT HE DID AS HE WAS TOLD.

THOUSANDS OF PETS SURGED FORWARD AS A FIGURE IN WHITE WALKED ON THE PATH
TOWARD THE BRIDGE.

AFTER THE GLOWING FIGURE PASSED EACH ANIMAL, THAT ANIMAL BOWED IT'S HEAD
IN LOVE AND RESPECT.

THE FIGURE FINALLY APPROACHED THE BRIDGE, AND WAS MET BY A MENAGERIE OF
OF JOYOUS ANIMALS.

TOGETHER, THEY ALL WALKED OVER THE BRIDGE AND DISAPPEARED.

THE YOUNG PUP WAS STILL IN AWE. "WAS THAT AN ANGEL?" HE WHISPERED.

"NO, SON." THE OLDER DOG REPLIED. "THAT WAS MORE THAN AN ANGEL.
THAT WAS A PERSON WHO WORKED IN  ANIMAL RESCUE.

GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU OUT THERE.....TO NUMEROUS TO NAME.
TOM

THANKS ABDRDUDE

THAT'S IT FOR TID-BITS 39. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.
I AM SORRY IT IS A LITTLE LATE. I HAVE BEEN
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