NOAH'S ARK
AND THE LORD SPOKE TO NOAH AND SAID, "IN ONE YEAR, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT RAIN AND COVER THE WHOLE EARTH WITH WATER UNTIL ALL FLESH IS DESTROYED, BUT I WANT YOU TO SAVE THE RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE AND TWO OF EVERY KIND OF LIVING THING ON EARTH. THEREFORE, I AM COMMANDING YOU TO BUILD A ARK."

IN A FLASH OF LIGHTNING, GOD DELIVERED THE SPECIFICATIONS FOR AN ARK. IN FEAR AND TREMBLING NOAH TOOK THE PLANS AND AGREED TO BUILD THE ARK.

REMEMBER, "SAID THE LORD, YOU MUST COMPLETE THE ARK AND BRING EVERYTHING ABOARD IN ONE YEAR."

EXACTLY ONE YEAR LATER, FIERCE STORM CLOUDS COVERED THE EARTH AND ALL THE SEAS OF THE EARTH WENT INTO A TUMULT. THE LORD SAW THAT NOAH WAS STANDING IN HIS FRONT YARD WEEPING.

"NOAH," THE LORD SHOUTED. "WHERE IS THE ARK?"
"LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME," CRIED NOAH. "I DID MY BEST, BUT THERE WAS BIG PROBLEMS."
"FIRST, I HAD TO GET A PERMIT FOR CONSTRUCTION, AND YOUR PLANS DID NOT MEET THE CODES.
I HAD TO HIRE A ENGINEERING FIRM AND REDRAW THE PLANS. THEN I GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH OSHA OVER WHETHER OR NOT THE ARK NEEDED A SPRINKLER SYSTEM AND APPROVED FLOATATION DEVICES."

THEN, MY NEIGHBOR OBJECTED, CLAIMING I WAS VIOLATING ZONING ORDINANCES BY BUILDING A ARK

 ON MY FRONT YARD, SO I HAD TO GET A VARIANCE FROM THE CITY PLANNING COMMISSION."
THEN, I HAD PROBLEMS GETTING ENOUGH WOOD FOR THE ARK, BECAUSE THERE WAS A BAN ON CUTTING TREES TO PROTECT THE SPOTTED OWL. I FINALLY CONVINCED THE U.S. FOREST SERVICE THAT I REALLY NEEDED THE WOOD TO SAVE THE OWLS. 

HOWEVER, THE FISH, GAME & WILDLIFE SERVICE WON'T LET ME CATCH ANY OWLS. SO NO OWLS."
THE CARPENTERS FORMED A UNION AND WENT ON STRIKE. I HAD TO NEGOTIATE A SETTLEMENT WITH THE NATIONAL LABOR RELATIONS BOARD BEFORE ANYONE WOULD PICK UP A SAW OR HAMMER.
NOW I HAVE 16 CARPENTERS ON THE ARK. BUT STILL NO OWLS."

WHEN I STARTED ROUNDING UP THE OTHER ANIMALS, THE ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUP SUED ME.
THEY OBJECTED TO ME TAKING ONLY TWO OF EACH KIND ABOARD. JUST WHEN I GOT THE SUIT DISMISSED, THE EPA NOTIFIED ME THAT I COULD NOT COMPLETE IMPACT STATEMENT ON YOUR PROPOSED FLOOD. THEY DID NOT TAKE VERY KINDLY TO THE IDEA THAT THEY HAD NO JURISDICTION OVER THE CONDUCT OF THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. THEN, THE ARMY CORPS OF ENGINEERS DEMANDED A MAP OF THE PROPOSED NEW FLOOD PLAIN. I SENT THEM A GLOBE.

RIGHT NOW I AM TRYING TO RESOLVE A COMPLAINT FILED WITH THE EQUAL EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY COMMISSION THAT I AM PRACTICING DISCRIMINATION BY NOT TAKING GODLESS, UNBELIEVING PEOPLE ABOARD.

THE IRS HAS SEIZED MY ASSETS CLAIMING THAT I AM BUILDING THE ARK IN PREPARATION TO FLEE THE COUNTRY TO AVOID PAYING TAXES. I JUST GOT A NOTICE FROM THE STATE THAT I OWE THEM SOME KIND OF USER TAX AND FAILED TO REGISTER THE ARK AS A 'RECREATIONAL WATER CRAFT'.

AND FINALLY, THE ACLU GOT THE COURTS TO ISSUE AN INJUNCTION AGAINST FURTHER CONSTRUCTION OF THE ARK, SAYING THAT SINCE GOD IS FLOODING THE EARTH, IT'S A RELIGIOUS EVENT, AND, THEREFORE, UNCONSTITUTIONAL..

"I REALLY DON'T THINK I CAN FINISH THE ARK FOR FIVE OR SIX YEARS."

NOAH WAITED.

THE SKY BEGAN TO CLEAR, THE SUN BEGAN TO SHINE, AND THE SEAS BEGAN TO CALM. THE RAINBOW
ARCHED ACROSS THE SKY. NOAH LOOKED UP HOPEFULLY. "YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DESTROY THE EARTH LORD?"

"NO," THE LORD SAID SADLY. "I DON'T HAVE TO. THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY HAS."

I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU FROM DEATH ROW, THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE.
YES, IN JUST A FEW SHORT HOURS, I WILL WALK DOWN THAT LONG CORRIDOR,
TO THE GAS CHAMBER. NO PRIEST WILL ESCORT ME, GIVING ME COMFORT OR
PRAYERS FOR MY SOUL. NO FAMILY WILL VISIT ME OR EVEN MISS ME WHEN I AM
GONE. MY "FAMILY" ABANDONED ME LONG AGO. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DOUBT
ANYONE WILL EVER GIVE ME OR MY DEATH EVEN A PASSING THOUGHT AFTER TODAY. THE SADDEST FACT IN THIS WHOLE MATTER IS THAT I AM INNOCENT.
I HAVE DONE NO CRIME, YET TODAY, I WILL DIE IN THE GAS CHAMBER. I KNOW
THAT OTHERS HAVE SAID "I AM INNOCENT", ALL THE WAY TO THEIR DEATHS,
BUT IN MY CASE, IT IS THE TRUTH.

LET ME TAKE YOU BACK THROUGH MY LIFE, TELL YOU MY STORY, PLEASE TAKE THE
TIME TO READ IT, THEN YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELF WHETHER OR NOT I DESERVE
TO DIE.

I DO NOT KNOW MY PARENTS. I DOUBT THAT THEY EVEN REMEMBER ME. I DO NOT
THINK THAT MY PARENTS KNEW EACH OTHER FOR VERY LONG. MY BIRTH WAS JUST
A TRAGIC BEGINNING OF A TORMENTED LIFE, CONCEIVED BY STRANGERS. I KNOW
THAT MY FATHER WAS NOT AROUND FOR MY BIRTH, AND MY MOTHER DID NOT STICK
AROUND FOR VERY LONG AFTER. I GUESS I CANNOT REALLY BLAME MY MOTHER,
SHE JUST "COULD NOT TAKE CARE OF ME. AS A YOUNGSTER, I SEEMED TO JUST
"FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS" OF THE SYSTEM. I WANDERED AROUND AIMLESSLY
LOOKING FOR FOOD AND SHELTER ANYWHERE I COULD FIND IT. EVERY ONCE IN
AWHILE A KIND PERSON WOULD TRY TO HELP ME OUT, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS
TEMPORARY SYMPATHY, AND THEN THEY WOULD BE ON THEIR WAY, LEAVING ME
JUST ALONE AS EVER.

AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, I WOUND UP PREGNANT. IT WAS A HARD PREGNANCY. I
NEVER SEEMED TO GET ENOUGH TO EAT, AND HAVING NO PERMANENT HOME, I WAS
ALWAYS EXPOSED TO THE WEATHER. I ACTUALLY SLEPT OUTSIDE THROUGHOUT MY
ENTIRE PREGNANCY.

NO MEDICAL CARE WAS AVAILABLE TO ME, MY FIRST PREGNANCY PRODUCED TWO
BEAUTIFUL BABIES, BUT LIKE MY OWN MOTHER, I COULD NOT CARE FOR THEM. I
DO NOT KNOW WHAT EVENTUALLY BECAME OF MY BABIES. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
HAVE GIVEN BIRTH ON THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS AND I DO NOT KNOW WHERE
ANY OF MY BABIES ARE NOW. SHORTLY AFTER MY THIRD PREGNANCY, MY HEALTH
WAS SUFFERING BADLY. I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO GET MEDICAL ATTENTION AND NOBODY OFFERED TO HELP ME. I WAS VERY MALNOURISHED AND EXTREMELY WEAK.

ONE PARTICULARLY BAD DAY, I WAS STUMBLING AROUND THE STREETS, VERY TIRED, VERY HUNGRY, AND VERY WEAK. I GUESS I JUST WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION, BUT I STEPPED OUT INTO THE STREET. AN ONCOMING CAR TRIED TO STOP BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. I WAS KNOCKED DOWN AND I FELT A TERRIBLE PAIN IN MY LEG. I WAS SURE IT WAS BROKEN. THE CAR KEPT GOING AND ONCE AGAIN I WAS IN TERRIBLE TROUBLE. I KNEW I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE STREET, SO I DRAGGED MYSELF TO THE CURB. ONCE AGAIN, I NEEDED MEDICAL TREATMENT, BUT IT SEEMED THAT ONCE AGAIN, NOT ONE PERSON WAS WILLING TO HELP ME.

TIME MARCHED ON AND I CONTINUED TO STRUGGLE ALONG. I WAS HANGING OUT ON THE STREETS ONE NIGHT AND I WAS PICKED UP BY A MAN. HE SEEMED NICE ENOUGH AT FIRST, HE TOOK ME HOME WITH HIM, OFFERED ME FOOD AND SHELTER SO I DECIDED TO HANG AROUND FOR AWHILE. I AM NOT REALLY SURE WHAT I DID
WRONG, BUT AFTER AWHILE HE SAID HE WAS TIRED OF ME AND COULD NOT AFFORD TO HAVE ME AROUND AND THAT I WOULD HAVE TO GO. WE GOT INTO HIS CAR, DROVE OUT TO AN OLD DESERTED ROAD AND HE PUT ME OUT. HE JUST LEFT ME THERE.
I WAS ALONE AGAIN.

AFTER SEVERAL LONG DAYS, I FOUND MY WAY TO THE NEAREST CITY. I THOUGHT SURELY I WOULD FIND SOMEBODY TO HELP ME OUT OF THIS "HELL ON EARTH" THAT I FOUND MYSELF LIVING IN. EVENTUALLY, THE POLICE, WHO HAD SEEN ME HANGING OUT ON THE STREETS FOR SEVERAL DAYS PICKED ME UP AND TOOK ME TO THIS HORRIBLE PRISON WHERE I NOW FIND MYSELF. I HAVE BEEN HERE ABOUT A WEEK AND NOBODY HAS TOLD ME WHAT WRONG I HAVE COMMITTED. I SLEEP, EAT, AND RELIEVE MYSELF IN MY LITTLE CELL. THE SMELL IS HORRIBLE AND IT IS SO VERY NOISY HERE.
ALL THE OTHER PRISONERS CRY AND CALL OUT ENDLESSLY. IT SEEMS THAT I AM BEING PUNISHED FOR SIMPLY BEING BORN. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN IN SUCH A "CIVILIZED" WORLD? SO, NOW THAT YOU HAVE READ MY STORY, WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK THAT I MUST BE VIOLENT, THAT MAYBE I AM A BANK ROBBER, OR DRUG DEALER, OR MAYBE EVEN A MURDERER? WHATEVER YOU THINK, DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME.. MAYBE I WILL FIND THE PEACE IN DEATH THAT I HAVE NEVER FOUND IN LIFE. BY THE WAY, I AM NOT A BANK ROBBER, DRUG DEALER, OR MURDERER. I AM NOT EVEN HUMAN...I AM A DOG.

~~~THE LEGEND OF THE DOVE~~~
HOW THE DOVE BECAME THE BIRD OF PEACE)

LONG, LONG AGO, THERE WERE TO SHAHS (KINGS) WHO LIVED IN KINGDOMS
IN THE EAST AND WHO HELD GRUDGES AGAINST ONE ANOTHER. OVER THE
YEARS, THEY BECAME ANGRIER AND ANGRIER AND WERE CONSTANTLY
THREATENING  EACH OTHER.
FINALLY, ONE OF THEM ANNOUNCED, "I'M GOING TO MAKE WAR. 
EVERY BODY PREPARE FOR WAR!"
NOW, THE OTHER SHAH HAD NOT BEEN TO WAR IN 15 YEARS. THEREFORE,
HE HAD NEARLY FORGOTTEN WHERE HIS ARMOR AND BATTLE CLOTHES
WERE STORED. THE DAY BEFORE THE WAR WAS TO BEGIN, THE SHAH
ASKED HIS MOTHER, "BRING ME MY HELMET."
THE MOTHER WENT AWAY BUT SOON RETURNED EMPTY-HANDED.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING MY HELMET?" HE COMPLAINED.
"I COULDN'T LIFT IT. IT WAS TOO HEAVY FOR ME, " SHE REPLIED.
THE SHAH WAS SURPRISED AND DECIDED TO GO AND GET THE HELMET HIMSELF.
BUT THE MOTHER STOOD IN FRONT OF HIM, BLOCKING HIS PATH.
"PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T TOUCH THE HELMET," SHE BEGGED HIM.
"BUT MOTHER, I AM A SHAH. HOW CAN A SHAH GO TO BATTLE WITHOUT HIS HELMET?"
SO HIS MOTHER TOLD HIM A SECRET. "A DOVE HAS BUILT A NEST INSIDE YOUR HELMET.
AND INSIDE THE NEST THERE ARE THREE TINY BABY DOVES LYING SO SAFE AND SECURE.
DON'T TOUCH THEM. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THEM. DOVES ARE THE MOST PEACE-
LOVING BIRDS OF ALL. THEY NEVER HARM ANYBODY. EVERY DAY THE MOTHER
LEAVES THE NEST AND BRINGS BACK FOOD. SHE TRIES SO HARD TO KEEP THE 
BABIES SAFE. HOW COULD I DARE DESTROY THEIR HOME? IF I AS MUCH LAID A 
FINGER ON YOUR HELMET THE  MOTHER DOVE MIGHT BRING MISFORTUNE AND
DISASTER TO OUR COUNTRY. THIS TIME, SON , WHY DON'T YOU GO TO WAR WITHOUT
YOUR HELMET.
THE SHAH LISTENED AND DECIDED HE COULD NOT ARGUE WITH HIS MOTHER,
AND SO HE DECIDED TO GO TO WAR BARE-HEADED.
A SHAH AT WAR WITHOUT HIS HELMET? THE THOUGHT AMAZED THE OTHER SHAH
SO MUCH THAT HE ASKED "WHERE'S YOUR HELMET? WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING
YOUR HELMET? HOW CAN YOU GO TO WAR WITHOUT A HELMET?"
"A DOVE HAS BUILT A NEST FOR THREE LITTLE CHICKS IN MY HELMET. MY  MOTHER
DIDN'T WANT ME TO DESTROY THE DOVE'S NEST, SO I CAME TO BATTLE WITHOUT
MY HELMET.
THE WARRING SHAH COULD NOT BELIEVE HIS EARS, SO HE SENT HIS ADVISOR TO
CHECK IF THESE WORDS WERE REALLY TRUE. AFTER A WHILE THE ADVISOR RETURNED
AND SAID, "YES, IT'S TRUE. THERE REALLY ARE LITTLE DOVES NESTING IN HIS HELMET."
THE WARRING SHAH WAS SO ASTONISHED THAT AFTER PAUSING FOR A MOMENT, 
HE EXTENDED HIS HAD TO THE HELMETLESS SHAH.
LET'S MAKE PEACE TOGETHER. LET'S MAKE PEACE FOREVER. YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T
WANT YOU TO DESTROY EVEN THE TINY NEST OF THREE BABY DOVES AND THE 
MOTHER DOVE. HOW CAN WE DESTROY THE HOMES OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE?"
 AND SO THE TWO SHAH'S SIGNED AN AGREEMENT TO KEEP PEACE FOREVER.
AND FROM THAT DAY ONWARDS THE DOVE BECAME KNOWN AS THE SYMBOL OF
 

BEYOND THE RAINBOW

DEDICATED TO LINDA FOR THE LOSS OF HER HORSE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AS MUCH AS I LOVED THE LIFE WE HAD AND ALL THE TIMES WE PLAYED,
I WAS SO VERY TIRED AND KNOW MY TIME ON EARTH WOULD FADE.
I SAW A WONDROUS IMAGE THEN OF A PLACE THAT'S TROUBLE-FREE
WHERE ALL OF US CAN MEET AGAIN TO SPEND ETERNITY.

I SAW THE MOST BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW, AND ON THE OTHER SIDE
WERE MEADOWS RICH AND BEAUTIFUL  -- LUSH AND GREEN AND WIDE.
AND RUNNING THROUGH THE MEADOWS AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE
WERE ANIMALS OF EVERY SORT AS HEALTHY AS COULD BE!
MY OWN TIRED, FAILING BODY WAS FRESH AND HEALED AND NEW
AND I WANTED TO GO RUN WITH THEM, BUT I HAD SOMETHING LEFT TO DO.

I NEEDED TO REACH OUT TO YOU, TO TELL YOU I'M ALRIGHT
THAT THIS PLACE IS TRULY WONDERFUL, THEN A BRIGHT GLOW PIERCED WITH LIGHT.
'TWAS THE FLOW OF MANY CANDLES SHINING BRIGHT AND STRONG AND BOLD.
AND I KNEW THEN THAT IT HELD YOUR LOVE IN ITS BRILLIANT SHADES OF GOLD.

FOR ALTHOUGH WE MAY NOT BE TOGETHER IN THE WAY WE USED TO BE,
WE ARE STILL CONNECTED BY A CORD NO EYE CAN EVER SEE.

SO WHENEVER YOU NEED TO FIND ME, WE ARE NEVER FAR APART
IF YOU LOOK BEYOND THE RAINBOW AND LISTEN WITH YOUR
HEART.

SEE YOU ALL NEXT YEAR FOLKS
HAPPY NEW YEAR

TOM AND CRITTERS

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