TRYING TO EAT WHILE A DOG GROAKS YOU
BY BILL HALL

IF YOU OWN A DOG, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE GROAKED.
"GROAK" IS AN OLD WORD MEANING TO STARE AT SOMEBODY LONGINGLY WHILE HE IS EATING.
DOGS ARE THE CHAMPION GROAKERS OF ALL TIME, AND THE MOST OBNOXIOUS. BUT THE
SEASON, RATHER THAN THE DOG, REMINDS ME OF THE WORD. THERE IS AN ELEMENT
OF GROAKING IN KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES, WHICH IS A LOT OF WHAT DECIDES CHRISTMAS SHOPPING PURCHASES IN ANY GIVEN YEAR.
THE NEIGHBOR'S KID IS GOING TO GET A LITTLE RUBBER TROLL WITH WILD HAIR. AND SO IF
YOUR KID DOESN'T GET ONE, SHE'LL BE SITTING OUTSIDE THE NEIGHBOR'S PICTURE WINDOW
FOR DAYS ON END GROAKING THE KID WHO DID GET ONE. SIMILARLY, YOU BUY YOUR WIFE A 
PAIR OF THOSE ELEGANT SLIPPERS WITH THE FLASHLIGHTS BUILT INTO THE TOES BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT HER GROAKING ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHO WILL BE GETTING THEM.
AND MORE IN KEEPING WITH THE TRADITIONAL MEANING OF THE WORD, IF I DON'T GET AT LEAST A COUPLE OF CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR CHRISTMAS I'M GOING TO COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND
 GROAK YOU WHILE YOU EAT YOURS. ANYBODY WHO WOULD SIT AND STUFF CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES INTO THEIR FACE WITHOUT SHARING DESERVES TO BE GROAKED.

THAT IS A CLASSIC GROAKING IN THE CANINE MANNER. BUT IN SAD TRUTH SCENES OF HUNGRY CHILDREN STARING THROUGH THE WINDOWS OF RESTAURANTS WATCHING OTHERS EAT. BUT THAT 
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GROKING OF DOGS IN THIS FORTUNATE SOCIETY. THE SORT OF DOG WHO GROAKS IS THE SORT OF DOG WHO DOESN'T NEED THE FOOD. A TRULY HUNGRY DOG WILL GO OUT AND KILL A GARBAGE CAN. I HAVE HAD SEVERAL DOGS WHO UNDERSTOOD FULL WELL HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT WHILE SOME SLOBBERING SIMPLETON STARES EARNESTLY AT YOU WITH THE LOOK OF A WAIF LOSING A FIGHT WITH MALNUTRITION. I HAVE HAD DOGS SO CONSISTENTLY INCONSIDERATE ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING THAT I MADE IT A POINT TO FEED THEM FIRST BEFORE SITTING DOWN TO CONSUME MY OWN DINNER. AND OF COURSE, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH GOOD THAT DID. IT WASN'T THE FOOD THEY WANTED; IT WAS THE EXASPERATION. IT IS NOT EASY TO EAT WITH TWO PATHETIC, UNBLINKING EYES FOCUSED ON YOUR EVERY MOVE.
I HAVE HAD DOGS GROKE ME WHILE I WAS READING. AND IT WASN'T THE BOOK THEY WANTED DOGS CAN'T READ. AND THEY CAN'T LEARN TO READ THOUGH I HAVE HEARD OTHERWISE SENSIBLE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW SMART DOGS ARE WITHOUT REFLECTING ON THE UNASSAILABLE FACT A DOG CAN'T READ. A DOG GROAKS YOU WHILE YOU ARE READING, NOT BECAUSE IT WANTS THE WORDS YOU ARE
CONSUMING, BUT BECAUSE IT WANTS THE ATTENTION YOU ARE WASTING ON THE BOOK. AND IT SUCCEEDS. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO READ WITH TWO HOT EYES A FEW INCHES FROM YOUR FACE AND A RIPE BREATH IN YOUR FACE.?

BUT THE WORST IS FOOD. A CHAMPION GROAKER WILL NOT ONLY SIT AIMED STRAIGHT AT YOU IN RAPT ATTENTION AS YOU EAT, BUT IT WILL FOLLOW THE FOOD WITH ITS EYES AND THE TILT OF ITS HEAD.
AS YOU PREPARE TO LIFT THE FOOD FROM THE PLATE, THE DOG STARES AT THE FOOD ON YOUR PLATE.

AS YOU LIFT A MORSEL TOWARD YOUR MOUTH, THE TILT OF THE MUTT'S HEAD FOLLOWS, ITS EYES UNISON WITH YOUR EVERY MOVE. AS THE FOOD REACHES YOUR MOUTH AND YOU POP IT IN, THE DOG FOCUSES ON YOUR CHEWING MOUTH. AND IT ISN'T EASY EATING WITH A DOG STARING AT YOUR LIPS.
AS YOU SWALLOW, THE DOGS GAZE MEETS YOUR OWN WITH A HOW-COULD-YOU LOOK, THE DOG'S EYES WATER, THE DOG'S MOUTH SLOBBERS AND THE DOG SOFTLY WHINES. AND OF COURSE, ANY DECENT PERSON WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. YOU MUST TAKE THE DOG BY THE COLLAR AND WALK IT TO THE CLOSET, LOCKING IT IN THERE UNTIL DINNER IS OVER SO THE POOR THING WON'T SUFFER SO MUCH. THE ONLY CHOICE IS TO GET UP, GIVE THE DOG YOUR PLATE AND THE TABLE AND GO WHINE IN THE CLOSET YOURSELF. AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO THAT IF YOUR DON'T REMOVE THE DOG FROM THE ROOM BECAUSE NOBODY CAN ENJOY HIS DINNER WITH DOG EYES FOLLOWING HIS EVERY MOVE.
THE BEST SAUCE IS HUNGER, THE WORST SAUCE IS GROAKING.

~~DON'T TURN YOUR BACK~~

THE LIGHTED WINDOW SHOWS THE ROOM SO WARM AND SOFTLY GLOWING,
THE TREE SO TALL WITH TWINKLING LIGHTS AND ALL THE PRESENTS SHOWING.

WHILE JUST OUTSIDE A STARVING CAT STANDS SHIVERING IN THE COLD,
AND DOWN THE STREET A STRAY DOG LIMPS, SO TIRED, SICK AND OLD.

THE BABY MONKEY IN THE LAB LETS OUT A CRY OF FEAR.
THE THING HE THOUGHT WAS MOTHER,  SHOT OUT QUILLS WHEN HE DREW NEAR.

THE CAR SPEEDS BY THE PUPPY CRIES AND DRAGS HER BROKEN LEG.
THE BEAVER IN THE LEG HOLD TRAP LIFTS PAIN-FILLED SOBS THAT BEG.

HOW CAN WE SPEAK OF PEACE ON EARTH AND KNOW THESE THINGS ARE SO,
AND SAY THEY DON'T CONCERN US AND WE OUGHT TO LET THEM GO?

HOW CAN WE THINK WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO TORTURE NEEDLESSLY,
WHEN ALL THE TIME WE KNOW SO WELL IT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE.

COME JOIN WITH US AT CHRISTMAS TIME AND PLEDGE OURSELVES ANEW.
THEY NEED OUR HELP SO BADLY, THERE'S SO MUCH THAT WE CAN DO.

DON'T TURN YOUR BACK UPON THEIR PAIN BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO SEE.
THEY HAVE NO OTHER PLACE TO TURN, THEY'VE ONLY YOU AND ME.

Gail Manchester - Thanks Dee

MY KITTY GIRL

I LOVE THE WAY SHE PURRS,
HER INDEPENDENCE I ADORE;
SILLY ANTICS ALONE ARE HERS
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANY MORE.

SHE GIVES ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
AS SHE CUDDLES UP SO CLOSE;
EYES BRIGHT AS THE STARS ABOVE
LEAVING DISARRAY WHEREVER SHE GOES.

SHE BRINGS ME LITTLE GIFTS
SOME I COULD DO WITHOUT;
SOME THAT GIVE ME A LIFT
AND ARE TOO NUMEROUS TO COUNT.

LITTLE SOFT MEWS SO SWEET,
TELLS ME SHE LOVES ME MOST;
STALKING AROUND ON SILENT FEET
AND RUBBING MY ANKLES CLOSE.

LOVE ME, LOVE MY CAT!
IS MY SLOGAN TO THE WORLD,
SHE IS NOT THE CAT IN THE HAT
SHE'S JUST MY DARLING KITTY GIRL.

Author unknown.

DOG VERSION
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
A CREATURE WAS STIRRING, BUT IT WASN'T A MOUSE.

I KNEW RIGHT AWAY IT WAS MY WIFE'S LITTLE PUP,
SHE THOUGHT WE WERE SLEEPING, AND SO SHE WAS UP.
THE DOG WAS A GIFT IT WAS COERCION, REALLY,
A WOMEN CAN POUT, 'TIL A MAN GETS DOWNRIGHT SILLY.
AND NOW THE WIFE WAS SNOOZING SHE WAS REALLY SACKED OUT
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE AWOKE FROM LESS THEN A SH0UT.
YES, HER IN HER NIGHTGOWN, I IN MY BVD's,
WE HAD FINALLY SETTLED DOWN TO CATCH SOME Zs.
WHEN OFF IN THE KITCHEN THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER,
I ROLLED FROM THE BED TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
AWAY DOWN THE HALL, MY HEAD IN A MUDDLE,
I REACHED THE KITCHEN...AND STEPPED IN A PUDDLE. 

THE GLOW FROM A NIGHTLIGHT ILLUMINATED THE ROOM,
SO HOW COME I STUMBLED OVER THE BROOM?
I FELL IN A SPRAWL, MY LEGS WERE NOT STABLE.
ON THE WAY DOWN, MY NOSE HIT THE TABLE.
MY HEAD WAS A SPINNING AND WHEN I CAME TO REST

FOUR MINIATURE DOG FEET STOOD ON MY CHEST.
WITH A LICK AND A BARK, SHE BOUNDED AWAY,
INTO THE LIVING ROOM, SHE RAN TO PLAY.
MORE RAPID THAN MOUSE'S, THAT LITTLE DOG RAN,
ME ON THE FOLLOW, ROLLED NEWSPAPER IN HAND.
"STOP SKEETER, STOP DOG, STOP PUP,
HALT POOCH, HALT GIRL!  OH COME HERE YOU MUTT!
"GET OFF THE NEW COUCH! NOW LET GO OF THE CURTAIN!
OHHHH...IF I EVER CATCH YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BE HURTIN."
AS WINDS OF A TEXAS TORNADO DO FLY,

SHE SPUN ROUND THE ROOM DOWN LOW AND UP HIGH.
THEN UP ON THE COUNTERTOP THAT PUPPY WENT
SHE STOPPED FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT SHE WAS SPENT.
I MAKE A QUICK LUNGE, SHE DUCKED ME AND THEN
YAWNED WHEN I DOVE THROUGH THE FLOUR BIN.
AS I DREW OUT MY HEAD AND WAS TURNING AROUND,
SHE MADE FOR THE PRESENTS IN A SINGLE BOUND.
I WAS COVERED WITH FLOUR FROM MY HEAD TO MY TOES,
MY ROBE IN TATTERS AND BLOOD ON MY NOSE.
A BAG FULL OF TOYS SHE GRABBED WITH GLEE
I NABBED HER I THOUGHT BUT INSTEAD GOT THE TREE.

THE ORNAMENTS THEY BROKE, AS THEY BEGAN TO FALL
THE LIGHTS HOW THEY FIZZLED AND THAT IS NOT ALL.
WHEN I REACHED FOR THE PLUG TO TURN THE BULBS OUT,
WHAT FLOWED THROUGH MY BODY BUT ELECTRICITY SO STOUT!
AS SMOKE ENCIRCLED MY HEAD LIKE A WREATH,
THAT MANGY PUP HELD MY BIG TOE IN HIS TEETH.
SKEETER, I MOANED, "I GIVE UP. OH, SKEET I GIVE IN."
SO SHE BIT MY SWOLLEN NOSE AND NIPPED AT MY CHIN.
SHE SPOKE NOT A WORD BUT WENT BACK TO WORK,
DOWN CAME THE STOCKINGS IT TOOK JUST A JERK.

THEN UP FROM THE HALL CAME THE SOUND OF FEET,
MOMMA IT SEEMED WAS AWAKE FROM HER SLEEP.
"NOW YOU'LL GET IT PUP," I ANNOUNCED WITH GLEE.
THEN SKEETER WALKED OVER AND PUT HER LITTLE HEAD ON MY KNEE.
SHE LOOKED UP AT MY WIFE - SO INNOCENT - AND AT ME, SO, SO SAD
IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO KNOW I'D BEEN HAD.
THEN CAME THE WIFE'S VOICE SO STRONG AND SO CLEAR.
"BILL, YOU LEAVE THAT PUPPY ALONE YOU HEAR!"
AND I EXCLAIMED TO MYSELF AS THEY WALKED OUT WITH A STRUT,
"DON'T LEAVE ANY GIFTS SANTA, JUST PICK UP THE MUTT.."

ANOTHER DOG VERSION

'Twas the night before Dog-mas, when all through the pound,
Not a puppy was yelping or playing around.
Our leashes were hung by our kennels with care,
In hopes that St. Bernard would soon find us there.
Chihuahuas were curled up all snug in their beds,
While visions of doggie treats danced in their heads.

Max in his collar, on somebody's lap,
Had tucked in his tail for a midwinter's nap.
When outside the room there arose such a clatter,
My ears perked right up to hear what was the matter.
Away to the window I jumped up with glee,
And barked at the shadows that were cast by a tree.
The glow from the moon changed night into day,
And started me thinking, "Woof, woof, time to play".
When, what with my puppy-dog eyes did I see,
But a splendid dog-sled, led by doggies like me!
With a regal furred driver, commanding, not stern.
I yelped to the others, "That must be St. Bern"!

More rapid than greyhounds, our saviors they came,
And we barked and we howled and called them by name.
"There's Duchess! There's King!  fat Chance, and bare Buffy!
On Fido, On Scooter! On Rover, and Scruffy!
Go by the red hydrant and run past those trees!
Nothing can stop you, not even some fleas!"

As puppies at play chase after a stick
And race to their masters so lovely and quick,
So out in the field his canines all flew,
Catching the Frisbees that St. Bernard threw.
And then in an instant I heard at the door
The scratching and clawing of each little paw....
As I pulled in my nose and was turning around,
Through the door St. Bernard came in with a bound!
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his tail,
His wood cask adorned with an icing of hail;
A bag of chew toys he had brought in with him,
And his mouth was turned up in what looked like a grin.

His eyes, how they twinkled!
His ears flopped, how merry!
His coat shone like crystal, his nose like a cherry!
His big sloppy mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the fur on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a bone he held tight in his teeth,
And his collar encircled his neck like a wreath.
He had a large face and a furry round belly,
That shook when he barked, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was fluffy and plump, a big cuddly old pooch
And I laughed when I saw him and gave him a smooch!

A wink of his eye and a wag of his tail;
We knew right away we'd have homes without fail.
He howled not a howl, but went straight to his deed,
And took down our leashes that soon we would need.
He opened the door and families stood there,
With children, all smiling, and much love to spare.
He leapt to his sled, to his team gave a call,
And away they all flew as if chasing a ball.
But I heard him exclaim, as he chewed on a bone:
"Happy Dog-mas to all and to all a good home!"

Thanks, MamiDos

CRITTER CHRISTMAS
By Dee Walmsley

Dee Walmsley  dee37@telus.net

 Christmas is just around the corner.  A time for family and friends,
religious celebration, shopping and  gift giving.  Most of us open our
wallets and share throughout the holiday season.  The food banks stock their
shelves, and  charitable donations increase. We over-indulge in  our festive
activities. We spoil our kids and spend big bucks decorating our dwellings,
just to get into the holiday spirit.

 Some of us have pets who also receive their share of the family turkey
dinner and special Xmas treats.  There are however many animals who will not
sleep with full bellies or in warm homes with loving families.  These are
the unwanted pets, some of them last years Christmas gifts who have been
abandoned and left homeless, starving, parasite infested and possibly
injured.  We are after all, a throw away society, but we can change, and so
I offer you my wish list for 2001.

 Before succumbing to the desire of giving an adorable puppy or kitten  to a
loved one for Christmas, do a little research on the internet. Better yet,
buy an adoption certificate from your SPCA, and after the holidays adopt a
pet that suits your lifestyle.

 Sponsor a spaying or neutering of a cat or dog.  A certificate from a local
vet will make a great gift for a friend and the pet.

 Volunteer at your local shelter. Holidays are usually their busiest times.

 Offer to walk a neighbor's dog during the holidays.

 Feed the birds;  Make suet feeders from cones and hang them in your yard or
wood-lot.

 Decorate an outdoor tree with wildlife treats, nuts, berries, suet/peanut
butter balls, and seeds.

 Donate pet food to the food bank for the less fortunate family pets.

 Make a donation  to a local wildlife shelter.  They all have their own wish
lists, so why not give them a call.
(I love this one Dee - Tom)

 This Season add Creature Comforts to your Christmas List and have a very
Merry Christmas.

DEE

For more of Dee's Wildlife Essays Click below.

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To all my readers.  May the Love, Peace and Joy of Christmas be yours Always.

THE TRUE MEANING

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