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THE GOVERNMENT AT WORK
***THIS WAS A ACTUAL LETTER FROM AND A REPLY TO THE MICHIGAN DEPARTMENT
OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY, STATE OF MICHIGAN*** (THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED).

MR. ROBERT JONES
2088 NOWHERE STREET.
SOMEPLACE, MI 12345

DEAR MR. JONES

SUBJECT: DEQ FILE N0. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, SEC 20

IT HAS COME TO THE ATTENTION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
THAT THERE HAS BEEN RECENT UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY ON THE ABOVE-REFERENCED
PARCEL OF PROPERTY. YOU HAVE BEEN CERTIFIED AS THE LEGAL LANDOWNER AND/OR
CONTRACTOR WHO DID THE FOLLOWING UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY: CONSTRUCTION AND
MAINTENANCE OF TWO WOOD DEBRIS DAMS ACROSS THE OUTLET STREAM OF SPRING POND.
A PERMIT MUST BE ISSUED PRIOR TO THE START OF THIS TYPE OF ACTIVITY. A REVIEW OF THE
DEPARTMENT'S FILES SHOWS THAT NO PERMITS HAVE BEEN ISSUED.

THEREFORE, THE DEPARTMENT HAS DETERMINED THAT THIS ACTIVITY IS IN VIOLATION
OF: PART 301, INLAND LAKES AND STREAMS, OF THE NATURAL RESOURCES AND ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION ACT, ACT 451 OF THE PUBLIC ACTS OF 1994.

THE DEPARTMENT HAS BEEN INFORMED THAT ONE OR BOTH OF THE DAMS PARTIALLY FAILED
DURING A RECENT RAIN EVENT, CAUSING DEBRIS AND FLOODING AT DOWN STREAM LOCATIONS. WE FIND THAT DAMS OF THIS NATURE ARE INHERENTLY HAZARDOUS AND CANNOT BE PERMITTED.

THE DEPARTMENT, THEREFORE, ORDERS YOU TO CEASE AND DESIST ALL UNAUTHORIZED
ACTIVITIES AT THIS LOCATION, AND TO RESTORE THE STREAM TO A FREE-FLOW CONDITION BY REMOVING ALL WOOD AND BRUSH FORMING THE DAMS ON THE STREAM CHANNEL. ALL RESTORATION WORK SHALL BE COMPLETED NOT LATER THAN JANUARY 31, 1998.

PLEASE NOTIFY THIS OFFICE WHEN THE RESTORATION HAS BEEN COMPLETED SO THAT A FOLLOW-UP SITE INSPECTION MAY BE SCHEDULED BY OUR STAFF. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH THIS REQUEST OR ANY FURTHER UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY ON THE SITE MAY RESULT IN THIS CASE BEING REFERRED FOR ELEVATED ENFORCEMENT ACTION.

WE ANTICIPATE AND WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR FULL COOPERATION IN THIS MATTER. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME AT THIS OFFICE IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.

SINCERELY,

I. GOTCHA

DISTRICT REPRESENTATIVE
LAND AND WATER MANAGEMENT DIVISION

"RESPONSE"

DEAR MR. I. GOTCHA

YOUR CERTIFIED LETTER DATED 12/17/97 HAS BEEN HANDED TO ME TO RESPOND TO. YOU SENT OUT A GREAT DEAL OF CARBON COPIES TO A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT YOU NEGLECTED TO INCLUDE THEIR ADDRESSES. YOU WILL, THEREFORE, HAVE TO SEND THEM A COPY OF MY RESPONSE.

FIRST OF ALL, MR. ROBERT JONES IS NOT THE LEGAL LANDOWNER AND/OR CONTRACTOR.
I AM THE LEGAL OWNER, AND A COUPLE OF BEAVERS ARE IN THE (STATE-UNAUTHORIZED) PROCESS OF CONSTRUCTING AND MAINTAINING TWO WOOD "DEBRIS" DAMS ACROSS THE OUTLET STREAM BY SPRING POND.

WHILE I DID NOT PAY FOR, AUTHORIZE, NOR SUPERVISE THEIR DAM PROJECT, I THINK THEY WOULD BE HIGHLY OFFENDED THAT YOU CALL THEIR SKILLFUL USE OF NATURAL BUILDING MATERIALS "DEBRIS." I WOULD LIKE TO CHALLENGE YOUR DEPARTMENT TO ATTEMPT TO EMULATE THEIR DAM PROJECT ANY TIME AND/OR ANY PLACE YOU CHOOSE.

I BELIEVE I CAN SAFELY STATE THERE IS NO WAY YOU COULD EVER MATCH THEIR DAM SKILLS, THEIR DAM RESOURCEFULNESS, THEIR DAM INGENUITY, THEIR DAM PERSISTENCE, THEIR DAM DETERMINATION, AND/OR THEIR DAM WORK ETHIC.

AS TO YOUR REQUEST, I DO NOT THINK THE BEAVERS ARE AWARE THAT THEY FIRST MUST FILL OUT A DAM PERMIT PRIOR TO THE START OF THIS TYPE OF DAM ACTIVITY. MY FIRST DAM QUESTION TO YOU IS: (1) ARE YOU TRYING TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST MY SPRING POND BEAVERS, OR (2) DO YOU REQUIRE ALL BEAVERS THROUGHOUT THIS STATE TO CONFORM, TO SAID DAM REQUEST? IF YOU ARE NOT DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THESE PARTICULAR BEAVERS, THROUGH THE FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT, I REQUEST COPIES OF ALL THOSE OTHER APPLICABLE BEAVER PERMITS THAT HAVE BEEN ISSUED. PERHAPS WE WILL SEE IF THERE REALLY IS A DAM VIOLATION OF PART 301, INLAND LAKES AND STREAMS, OF THE NATURAL RESOURCE AND ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION ACT.

I HAVE SEVERAL CONCERNS. MY FIRST CONCERN IS --- AREN'T BEAVERS ENTITLED TO LEGAL REPRESENTATION? THE SPRING POND BEAVERS ARE FINANCIALLY DESTITUTE AND ARE UNABLE TO PAY FOR SAID REPRESENTATION --- SO THE STATE WILL HAVE TO PROVIDE THEM WITH A DAM LAWYER. THE DEPARTMENT'S DAM CONCERN THAT EITHER ONE OR BOTH OF THE DAMS FAILED DURING A RECENT RAIN EVENT CAUSING FLOODING IS PROOF THAT THIS IS A NATURAL OCCURRENCE WHICH THE DEPARTMENT IS REQUIRED TO PROTECT. IN OTHER WORDS, WE SHOULD LEAVE THE SPRING POND BEAVERS ALONE RATHER THAN HARASSING THEM AND CALLING THEIR DAM NAMES.

IF YOU WANT THE STREAM "RESTORED" TO A DAM FREE-FLOW CONDITION PLEASE CONTACT THE BEAVERS --- BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO ARREST THEM (THEY OBLIVIOUSLY DID NOT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO YOUR DAM LETTER, BEING UNABLE TO READ ENGLISH), BE SURE THEY ARE READ THE MIRANDA RIGHTS FIRST. AS FOR ME, I AM NOT GOING TO CAUSE MORE FLOODING OR DAM DEBRIS JAMS BY INTERFERING WITH THESE DAM BUILDERS.

IF YOU WANT TO HURT THESE DAM BEAVERS, BE AWARE I AM SENDING A COPY OF YOUR DAM LETTER AND THIS RESPONSE TO P.E.T.A. IF YOUR DAM DEPARTMENT SERIOUSLY FINDS ALL DAMS OF THIS NATURE INHERENTLY HAZARDOUS AND TRULY WILL NOT PERMIT THEIR EXISTENCE IN THIS STATE --- I SERIOUSLY HOPE YOU ARE NOT SELECTIVELY ENFORCING THIS DAM POLICY --- OR ONCE AGAIN BOTH I AND THE SPRING POND BEAVERS WILL SCREAM PREJUDICE!

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, THE SPRING POND BEAVERS HAVE A RIGHT TO BUILD THEIR UNAUTHORIZED DAMS AS LONG AS THE SKY IS BLUE, THE GRASS IS GREEN AND WATER FLOWS DOWN STREAM. THEY HAVE MORE RIGHT THAN I DO TO LIVE AND ENJOY SPRING POND. IF THE DEPARTMENT OF NATURAL RESOURCES AND ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION LIVES TO ITS NAME, IT SHOULD PROTECT THE NATURAL RESOURCES (BEAVERS) AND THE ENVIRONMENT (BEAVERS DAMS).

SO, AS FAR AS THE BEAVERS AND I ARE CONCERNED, THIS DAM CASE CAN BE REFERRED FOR MORE ELEVATED ENFORCEMENT ACTION RIGHT NOW. WHY WAIT UNTIL 1/31/98? THE SPRING POND BEAVERS MAY BE UNDER THE DAM ICE THEN AND THERE WILL BE NO WAY FOR YOUR STAFF TO CONTACT/HARASS THEM.

IN CONCLUSION, I WOULD LIKE TO BRING TO YOUR ATTENTION A REAL ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY (HEALTH) PROBLEM IN THE AREA. IT IS THE BEARS. BEARS ARE ACTUALLY DEFECATING IN OUR WOODS. I DEFINITELY BELIEVE YOU SHOULD BE PERSECUTING THE DEFECATING BEARS AND LEAVE THE BEAVERS ALONE. IF YOU ARE GOING TO INVESTIGATE THE BEAVER DAMS, WATCH YOUR STEP! (THE BEARS ARE NOT CAREFUL WHERE THEY DUMP!)

BEING UNABLE TO COMPLY WITH YOUR DAM REQUEST, AND BEING UNABLE TO CONTACT YOU ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE, I AM SENDING THIS RESPONSE TO YOUR DAM OFFICE VIA ANOTHER GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION --- THE USPS, MAYBE, SOMEDAY, IT WILL GET THERE.

SINCERELY,

SAM SMITH

"BILLY AND THE CAT AND BROWNIES"
MOM'S BROWNIE RECIPE

REMOVE TEDDY BEAR FROM OVEN AND TELL BILLY "NO, NO," PREHEAT OVEN TO 375.
MELT 1 CUP MARGARINE TO 2 CUPS OF SUGAR.
TAKE SHORTENING CAN AWAY FROM BILLY AND CLEAN CUPBOARDS.
MEASURE 1/3 CUP OF COCOA.
TAKE SHORTENING CAN AWAY FROM BILLY AGAIN AND BATHE CAT.
APPLY ANTISEPTIC AND BANDAGES TO SCRATCHES SUSTAINED WHILE REMOVING
SHORTENING FROM CAT'S TAIL.

ASSEMBLE 4 EGGS, 2 TSP. VANILLA, AND 1-1/2 CUPS SIFTED FLOUR.
TAKE SMOLDERING TEDDY BEAR FROM OVEN AND OPEN ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS
FOR VENTILATION.
TAKE TELEPHONE AWAY FROM BILLY AND ASSURE PARTY ON THE LINE THE CALL
WAS A MISTAKE. CALL OPERATOR AND ATTEMPT TO HAVE DIRECT DIALED CALL TO
CHINA REMOVED FROM BILL.
MEASURE 1 TSP. SALT, 1/2 CUP NUTS AND BEAT ALL INGREDIENTS WELL.
LET CAT OUT OF REFRIGERATOR.
POUR MIXTURE INTO WELL-GREASED 9X13-INCH PAN.
BAKE 25 MINUTES.
RESCUE CAT AND TAKE RAZOR AWAY FROM BILLY. EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT YOU HAVE
NO IDEA IF SHAVED CATS WILL SUNBURN. TOSS CAT OUTSIDE WHILE THERE'S
STILL TIME AND HE'S STILL ABLE TO RUN AWAY.
FROSTING MIX THE FOLLOWING IN SAUCEPAN: 1 CUP SUGAR, 1 OZ UNSWEETENED
CHOCOLATE, 1/4 CUB MARGARINE. TAKE THE DARN TEDDY BEAR OUT OF THE
@#$% BROILER AND THROW IT AWAY -- FAR AWAY.
ANSWER THE DOOR AND MEEKLY EXPLAIN TO THE NICE POLICEMAN THAT YOU
DIDN'T KNOW BILLY HAD SLIPPED OUT OF THE HOUSE AND WAS HEADING FOR THE
STREET. PUT BILLY IN PLAYPEN.
ADD 1/3 CUP MILK, DASH OF SALT, AND BOIL, STIRRING CONSTANTLY FOR
2 MINUTES.
ANSWER DOOR AND APOLOGIZE TO NEIGHBOR FOR BILLY HAVING STUCK A GARDEN
HOSE IN THE MAN'S FRONT DOOR MAIL SLOT.
PROMISE TO PAY FOR RUINED CARPET.
TIE BILLIE TO CLOTHESLINE.
REMOVE BURNED BROWNIES FROM OVEN.

KEEPING BACKYARD BIRDS HEALTHY - Dee Walmsley

Weather wise, this can be a bad time of year for birds, and people. Rainy days find humans warm and cozy in their homes, while birds, come rain or shine, must puff up their feathers and forage for food and water.
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Feeders are often left empty by vacationing folks seeking sunnier locales or forgotten in the rain where they become soaked and moldy. These wet feeders are breeding grounds for fungus spores that kill thousands of birds each year.
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Wooden feeders, unless hung in a dry location are the worst offenders. The seed when wet, mildews and rots causing salmonella which infects the birds.

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By following a few prevention tips you can control the disease, and continue to enjoy feeding the birds;

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Keep wooden feeders dry [try hanging under eaves]. In wet weather change the feeders often bringing them in the house to dry thoroughly.

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Use duroid shingles on feeder roofs and trays. The shingles will not absorb the water.

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Use plastic feeders.

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Experiment with how much the birds consume daily then - ration the seed. This will keep the seed dry and fresh and leave no extra food available for rats.

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Clean area under feeders daily. Some species will not use feeders preferring to eat beneath the feeder on the ground. Sweep up any leftovers before they rot or take root.

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Bleach all feeders with a 10% solution each week. Rinse well, dry completely before refilling.

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Do not mix seed. Use separate feeders. This will eliminate the birds chucking out the seeds they

don’t want.

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Make your own suet mixture. To 1 lb. Melted Lard add 1 cup of crunchy peanut butter, ¼ cup wheat germ and stiffen with mixed seed. Place the mixture in log feeders, onion bags or yogurt cups and hang in a tree or near a window. This mixture attracts all species of woodpeckers, chickadees and bushtits.

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Decorate a backyard tree with cranberries, suet mix filled pine cones and bits of orange and apple.

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Keep a supply of fresh water for drinking and bathing near a bush or tree. Any flat container will do, just fill with 2 inches of water.

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Be consistent. The birds will rely on you so keep those feeders clean and full. Feed the birds and they will reward you with their songs and antics, adding a little life to those dull winter days.

~~

HAPPY BIRDING

THANKS DEE

This page was last updated on 11/16/00.
Please contact Thomas Rudge with questions and comments about this site.
You can reach me in ICQ my number is 2709551

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