TO TID-BITS 32

WHERE TO BURY A DOG
REPRINT OF A EDITORIAL FROM THE ONTARIO ARGUS-OBSERVER

A SUBSCRIBER OF THE ONTARIO ARGUS HAD WRITTEN TO THE EDITOR ASKING:
"WHERE DO I BURY MY DOG"?

WE WOULD SAY TO THE ONTARIO MAN THAT THERE ARE VARIOUS PLACES IN 
WHICH A DOG MAY BE BURIED. WE ARE THINKING NOW OF A SETTER, WHOSE COAT
WAS FLAME IN THE SUNSHINE, AND WHO, SO FAR AS WE ARE AWARE, NEVER
ENTERTAINED A MEAN OR UNWORTHY THOUGHT. THIS SETTER IS BURIED BENEATH A CHERRY TREE, UNDER FOUR FOOT OF GARDEN LOAM, AND AT ITS PROPER
SEASON THE CHERRY TREE STREWS PETALS ON THE GREEN LAWN OF HIS GRAVE.
BENEATH A CHERRY TREE, OR AN APPLE TREE OR ANY FLOWERING SHRUB IS AN EXCELLENT PLACE TO BURY A DOG. BENEATH SUCH TREES, SUCH SHRUBS, HE SLEPT IN THE DROWSY SUMMER, OR GNAWED AT A FLAVORFUL BONE, OR LIFTED
HIS HEAD TO CHALLENGE SOME STRANGE INTRUDER.

THESE ARE GOOD PLACES IN LIFE AND IN DEATH. YET IT IS A SMALL MATTER,
FOR IF THE DOG IS WELL REMEMBERED, IF SOMETIMES HE LEAPS THROUGH YOUR
DREAMS ACTUAL AS IN LIFE, EYES KINDLING, LAUGHING, BEGGING, IT MATTERS
NOT AT ALL WHERE THE DOG SLEEPS. ON A HILL WHERE THE WIND IS 
UN-REBUKED, AND THE TREES ARE ROARING, OR BESIDE A STREAM HE KNEW IN 
PUPPY HOOD, OR SOMEWHERE IN THE FLATNESS OF A PASTURE LAND WHERE
MOST EXHILARATING CATTLE GRAZE, IT IS ALL ONE TO THE DOG, AND ALL
ONE TO YOU AND NOTHING IS GAINED, NOTHING IS LOST IF MEMORY LIVES ON.

THERE IS ONE BEST PLACE TO BURY A DOG. IF YOU BURY HIM IN THIS SPOT
HE WILL COME TO YOU WHEN YOU CALL OVER THE GRIM, DIM
FRONTIERS OF DEATH, DOWN THE WELL REMEMBERED PATH AND TO YOUR SIDE AGAIN. AND THOUGH YOU CALL A DOZEN LIVING DOGS TO HEEL THEY SHALL NOT GROWL AT HIM, OR RESENT HIS COMING, FOR THE BELONGS THERE.
PEOPLE MAY SCOFF AT YOU WHO SEE NO LIGHTEST BLADE OF GRASS BENT
BY HIS FOOTFALL, WHO HEAR NO WHIMPER, PEOPLE WHO NEVER REALLY HAD A DOG. SMILE AT THEM , FOR YOU SHALL KNOW SOMETHING THAT IS HIDDEN FROM THEM, AND WHICH IS WORTH THE KNOWING.

THE ONE BEST BEST PLACE TO BURY A GOOD DOG IS IN THE OF HIS
MASTER......

Thanks Linda.

""MY NAME IS REBECCA""

"Hi! My name is Rebecca. I live in your neighborhood, so I thought I'd
drop around, introduce myself and get to know you a little better. I'm
        always looking for new friends. My family has lived here for generations.
        How about yours? Back in those days it was just the first nations people
                 and my ancestors. They were good neighbors. We never became too friendly,
but we learned to live together." "I see you have a family.

              I'll be having one soon too. Right now I'm out house hunting. Do you know
      any places that allow children? My lifestyle has me sleeping all day and
working all night. I don't need much room, and I'm not terribly noisy.
              Not the gossipy type either. I'm too busy minding my own business feeding
            the kids and teaching them how to live in our environment. Speaking of the
        environment, it sure isn't what it was, is it? I remember when this was just
      one big forest, now most of it has disappeared. If we keep developing at
   this rate they'll be any trees left. I suppose it comes down to lifestyles.
     I know that I've had to make a lot of adjustments in my lifetime. I hate to
think what will happen to my children, don't you?

         The natural food sources are dwindling too. Their use to be brambles and
         hazelnut trees right here. Oh for the good old days." "What do you think
about all this pollution? I can hardly see the mountains anymore.

                Remember when you didn't worry about drinking out of the local streams? I'd
                     rather take my chances with swimming pools nowadays. Speaking of swimming,
   have you noticed all the oil run-off from the roads? Goes right into the
                           oceans and streams you know. Affects everything, fish, clams, crabs and the water.
                    Most of it comes from those noisy cars. Seems to be more and more each year. If
               you don't gag on their exhaust, they run you down. My cousin was killed not
far from here just last month."

      Well I do go on don't I? I hope that I haven't overstayed my visit and I'm
               awfully glad that we've met. Oh yes, about my house. I only need an entrance
            of 6 inches. Can you believe that? I bet looking at me you never would have
guessed that a roly-poly raccoon could get into a space that small. Of
            course if you would prefer not to have me as your neighbor, take down your
 welcome signs. If I can't find food, water, or readily available shelter in
      your yard then I'll move on. Mind you a little space under your porch will
     suit me just fine or if you prefer I can make a den under your shed. I don't
                want to cause you any problems for either one of us. I only want some space to
raise my family. Is that too much to ask?


Author - Dee Walmsley - Comments, send to:   john_walmsley@telus.net
 
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change
the world; indeed it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Meade

Thanks Dee,   Wonderful Words

TEN TOP SIGNS YOU VET LIKES YOUR DOG A LITTLE TO MUCH

1.  HE RELOCATES HIS OFFICE TO BE CLOSER TO YOUR HOUSE.
2.  THE VET LEAVES MESSAGES FOR YOUR DOG ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE.
3.  HE THROWS A SURPRISE PARTY ON YOUR DOG'S BIRTHDAY.
4.  WHEN YOU HAD TO HAVE YOUR DOG SPAYED, THE VET HAD TO SEEK THERAPY.
5.  ON OVERNIGHT STAYS, YOUR VET SLEEPS IN THE CAGE WITH YOUR DOG.
6.  AFTER HAVING YOUR DOG GROOMED, YOU NOTICE THAT THE VET HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT.
7.  WHEN YOU COME TO PICK UP YOUR DOG, THE VET TELLS HIS RECEPTIONIST TO DISTRACT
      YOU. SO THAT HE CAN HAVE SOME TIME ALONE WITH YOUR DOG TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
8.   HE KEEPS TRYING TO SWITCH YOUR YOUR DOG WITH ONE THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOURS.
9.   HE OFFERS TO TRADE HIS 3 KIDS FOR YOUR DOG.
10. THE VET'S WIFE CALLS YOU AND ASKS YOU TO TELL YOUR DOG TO LEAVE HER HUSBAND
       ALONE.

I BELIEVE I WOULD FIND ANOTHER VET - TOM

VISIT TO THE ZOO

ON HIS FIRST TRIP TO THE ZOO A LITTLE BOY STARED AT THE CAGED
STORK FOR A LONG TIME. HE WAVED, JUMPED UP AND DOWN,
AND STARED AT THE STOKE A WHILE LONGER.
FINALLY, TURNING TO HIS FATHER, HE EXCLAIMED.
"GEE, DAD, HE DOESN'T REMEMBER ME.

Thanks BarbB4

MY PHOTO - Handsome aren't I ??

THE TRUE STORY OF THE 3 LITTLE PIGS
BY AL T. WOLF

EVERYBODY KNOWS THE STORY OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS.
OR AT LEAST THEY THINK THEY DO. BUT I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE
SECRET. NOBODY KNOWS THE REAL STORY BECAUSE NOBODY HAS EVER
HEARD MY SIDE OF THE STORY.
I AM THE WOLF. ALEXANDER T. WOLF. YOU CAN CALL ME AL. I DON'T KNOW
HOW THIS WHOLE BIG BAD WOLF THING GOT STARTED, BUT, IT'S ALL
WRONG!!! MAYBE, IT'S BECAUSE OF OUR DIETS. HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
WOLVES EAT CUTE LITTLE ANIMALS LIKE BUNNIES AND SHEEP AND PIGS.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY WE ARE. IF CHEESEBURGERS WERE CUTE, FOLKS WOULD 
THINK YOU WERE BIG AND BAD TOO. BUT HECK, LIKE I WAS SAYING, THIS WHOLE
BIG BAD WOLF STUFF IS ALL WRONG. THE REAL STORY WAS JUST ABOUT A 
SNEEZE AND A CUP OF SUGAR. THAT'S ALL I PROMISE!
HERE IS THE REAL STORY:
WAY BACK, ONCE UPON A TIME,  I WAS BEING A KIND SOUL THAT I AM 
MAKING A BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR MY DEAR OLE GRANNY.

I HAD A TERRIBLE SNEEZING COLD. I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING THE CAKE
AND RAN OUT OF SUGAR. FIGURES!!!!
SO HERE MY SICK BODY GOES OUT THE DOOR AND DOWN THE STREET TO ASK 
MY NEIGHBOR FOR A CUP OF SUGAR. NOW, IT WOULD FIGURE, THIS NEIGHBOR OF 
MINE IS A PIG. DARN LUCK OF MINE. AND HE WAS NOT TO BRIGHT EITHER.

THE DUMB PIG HAD BUILT HIS HOUSE OF STRAW. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I MEAN
WHO IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD BUILD A HOUSE OF STRAW? SO OF COURSE
THE MINUTE I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR, THE DARN THING FELL RIGHT IN.
NOW BEING OF SOUND MIND AND MANNERS, I DIDN'T WANT TO JUST WALK
INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE. SO I CALLED OUT, "LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG,
 ARE YOU IN?" NO ANSWER. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE UP AND GO HOME
WITHOUT THE CUP OF SUGAR FOR MY DEAR OLD GRANNY'S BIRTHDAY CAKE
WHEN MY NOSE STARTED TO ITCH AND RUN. I FELT A SNEEZE COMING ON.
WELL I HUFFED, AND I SNUFFED, I SNEEZED ONE HECK OF A SNEEZE. YOU KNOW
WHAT? THE WHOLE STRAW HOUSE FEEL DOWN. AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE PILE OF STRAW WAS THE FIRST LITTLE PIG.....DEAD AS A DOORNAIL.
THE LITTLE PIG HAD BEEN HOME ALL THE TIME. YOU KNOW IT SEEMED
 A SHAME TO LEAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD HAM DINNER LYING THERE.
SO BEING A NICE WOLF I DID WHAT ALL NICE WOLFE'S DO. I ADMINISTERED
MOUTH TO MOUTH AND GUESS WHAT, HE DISAPPEARED.  I SURE DID NOT 
LEAVE HIM. JUST THINK OF IT AS A BIG CHEESEBURGER LYING THERE.

I WAS FEELING A LITTLE BETTER, BUT I STILL DIDN'T HAVE MY CUP OF SUGAR.
SO I WENT TO THE NEXT NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. FIGURES! THIS NEIGHBOR
WAS THE FIRST LITTLE PIGS BROTHER. HE WAS A LITTLE SMARTER BUT NOT MUCH.

HE HAD BUILT HIS HOUSE OF STICKS. I RANG THE DOORBELL ON THE STICK HOUSE.
NOBODY ANSWERED. SO I CALLED OUT, "MR. PIG, MR. PIG, ARE YOU IN?" AND THE
SWINE YELLED BACK, "GO AWAY WOLF! YOU CAN'T COME IN. I'M SHAVING THE
HAIRS ON MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN!".
NOW I HAD JUST LET GO OF THE DOORKNOB WHEN I FELT ANOTHER SNEEZE
COMING ON. I HUFFED. I SNUFFED AND I TRIED TO COVER MY MOUTH, BUT I 
SNEEZED ANOTHER GREAT SNEEZE. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, BUT
THIS PIG'S HOUSE FELL DOWN JUST LIKE HIS DUMB BROTHER'S. WHEN THE DUST
CLEARED, THERE WAS THE SECOND LITTLE PIG DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. WOLF'S HONOR!
NOW!!! YOU KNOW FOOD WILL SPOIL IF YOU JUST LEAVE IT OUT IN THE OPEN.
SO I DID THE ONLY THING THERE WAS TO DO. I HAD DINNER AGAIN. JUST THINK OF IT
AS A SECOND HELPING AND I WAS GETTING PRETTY DARNED FULL. MY COLD WAS
 FEELING BETTER. I STILL DIDN'T HAVE THE CUP OF SUGAR FOR MY DEAR OLD
GRANNY'S BIRTHDAY CAKE.

SO, I WENT TO THE NEXT HOUSE. SHEESH!!! THIS GUY WAS THE FIRST AND SECOND
PIGS BROTHER. HE MUST HAVE BEEN THE HARVARD GRADUATE. HE HAD BUILT HIS
OUT OF BRICKS. I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR TO THE BRICK HOUSE, REAL BIG HOUSE
 TOO!!!. NO ANSWER I CALLED OUT, "MR. PIG, MR. PIG, ARE YOU IN??" AND DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THE RUDE PORKER ANSWERED? "GET OUT OF HERE WOLF AND DON'T BOTHER
ME AGAIN!".  TALK ABOUT IMPOLITE!!!!!!! HE PROBABLY HAD A WHOLE SACK OF
SUGAR TOO.!! HE WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME  ONE CUP FOR MY DEAR OLD SWEET
GRANNY'S BIRTHDAY CAKE. WHAT A PIG!!!!!!!

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO HOME AND MAYBE MAKE A NICE BIRTHDAY CARD INSTEAD
OF A CAKE, WHEN I FELT MY COLD COMING ON AGAIN. SHEESH!!! I HUFFED AND
I SNUFFED!!! I SNEEZED ONCE AGAIN. THE THIRD LITTLE PIG YELLED "AND YOUR
DEAR OLE GRANNY WEARS COMBAT BOOTS." NOW, I AM USUALLY A PRETTY CALM
DUDE. BUT WHEN SOMEONE TALKS BAD ABOUT MY DEAR OLD GRANNY LIKE THAT
I GET A LITTLE NUTTY! WHEN THE COPS DROVE UP, OF COURSE I WAS TRYING TO

BREAK DOWN THE PIG'S DOOR. THE WHOLE TIME, I WAS HUFFING AND PUFFING AND
SNEEZING AND MAKING A REAL SCENE.
THE REST AS THEY SAY IS HISTORY.

THE NEWS REPORTERS FOUND OUT ABOUT THE TWO PIG'S I HAD FOR DINNER.
THEY FIGURED A SICK WOLF GOING TO BORROW A CUP OF SUGAR DIDN'T SOUND
TOO EXCITING. SO THEY JAZZED UP THE STORY WITH ALL OF THAT STUFF OF
"HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN" AND MADE ME  THE "BIG BAD
WOLF." THAT'S IT, THE REAL STORY. I WAS FRAMED!.
HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD LOAN ME A CUP OF SUGAR? HUH, HUH??

~~MUTE PARROT~~
YES, ANOTHER PARROT JOKE

A LADY IS LOOKING TO PURCHASE A PET FOR COMPANIONSHIP,
AND SO SHE GOES TO THE LOCAL PET SHOP TO PURCHASE A CAT 
OR SUCH. HOWEVER, WHEN SHE ARRIVES, SHE IS INTRIGUED BY
THE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG PARROT ON A PERCH BY THE COUNTER.
"WILL THIS PARROT TALK?" SHE ASKS THE OWNER.
"OH YES, THIS PARROT COMES FROM A LONG LINE OF EXCELLENT
TALKERS. IN TWO WEEKS HE WILL BE MIMICKING YOUR SPEECH 
LIKE HE'S HAVING CONVERSATION WITH YOU." THE LADY
EXCITEDLY PURCHASES THE BIRD IN A LARGE CAGE (FOR A 
HANDSOME FEE) AND TAKES IT HOME. TWO WEEKS LATER, SHE
RETURNS TO THE STORE. "THIS BIRD YOU SOLD ME HASN'T SAID A WORD."
THE OWNER LOOKS PUZZLED. "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, THAT
IS OUT BEST TALKER. HE SHOULD TALK WHEN HE SWINGS."
"WHAT? YOU DIDN'T SELL ME A SWING!" THE OWNER HAPPILY
SELLS HER A SWING FOR THE BIRDS CAGE. BUT, TWO WEEKS
LATER SHE RETURNS WITH THE SAME COMPLAINT.

"I REALLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, HE SHOULD TALK AFTER
EXERCISING ON THE LADDER," THE OWNER SAYS. FRUSTRATED
THAT HE DIDN'T TELL HER THIS BEFORE, SHE BUYS THE LADDER.
TWO WEEKS LATER, ..YOU KNOW. 
THE OWNER SAYS, "SOMETHING IS WRONG, BECAUSE WHEN HE 
CLIMBS ON THE LADDER, AND GETS ON THE SWING, AND LOOKS
INTO THE MIRROR, HE DEFINITELY SHOULD BE TALKING!" SHE 
BUYS THE STINKING MIRROR, AND IN 2 MORE WEEKS...
IN SHE WALKS WITH THE CAGE, CONTAINING THE SWING, LADDER,
MIRROR...AND ONE DEAD PARROT WITH IT'S LEGS UP IN THE AIR.
"HERE'S YOUR MUTE BIRD AND ALL THE JUNK YOU SOLD ME - ALL
I WANT IS MY MONEY BACK!"
THE OWNER WAS DUMBFOUNDED. "LADY, THIS IS THE FIRST
PARROT THAT HAS EVER COME BACK. - DIDN'T THE PARROT SAY
ANY WORDS AT ALL??" WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, HE DID,
SAY ONE THING,".  HE SAID, "DOESN'T THAT SHOP SELL

BIRD FOOD????"

 

CORRECTION   
IN MY LETTER ON TID-BITS 31 I ADVISED THAT FLORIDA WAS TRYING TO 
DOWNGRADE MANATEE FROM THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST. I HAVE RECEIVED
THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION FROM FWC:
09-16-2000

The FWC news release stated that the misinterpretation came during this week’s FWC meeting at DeLand, Florida. An FWC staff report concerning the status of manatees included a statement that the recovery plan for the species would include a procedure for determining how to down-list the manatee to classification as a threatened species. News media misinterpreted the statement to mean the FWC has plans to down-list the species in the near future.  “There is no such plan,” said Egbert.  We simply aren’t there yet.  The manatee population has not recovered to the point we could consider changing its endangered species status.”

In late August, because of the record-setting watercraft mortality, Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced there would be a manatee summit to bring interested parties together to address the situation.

I WILL CONTINUE TO MONITOR AND VOICE MY OBJECTION TO THE DOWNGRADING OF THE MANATEE. TOM

ANOTHER BRAINSTORM BY FWC:
SINCE WE ARE CONSIDERING IT WITH THE MANATEE, LETS ALSO
CONSIDER IT WITH THE WOLVES. (FWC)

(CLICK)
SOMETIMES I WONDER IF THE MEMBERS OF FWC LIVE ON ANOTHER PLANET.

WELL ALL, I WILL GET OFF THE SOAPBOX,  GO CRAWL
BACK IN MY CORNER AND CONTEMPLATE MY NAVEL.
AFTER READING SOME OF THE ABOVE STORY'S I WONDER
WHERE WE GET SOME OF THESE POLICY MAKERS.  
ANSWER: POLITICAL APPOINTMENTS.

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU VOTE FOR.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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