TO TID-BITS 29

~THE $1500 DOLLAR FISH
ANOTHER FISH STORY (GROAN)

TWO FLORIDA REDNECK GUYS GO ON A FISHING TRIP. THEY RENT ALL THE 
EQUIPMENT: REELS, THE RODS, THE WADING SUITS, THE ROWBOAT, THE 
CAR, AND EVEN A CABIN IN THE WOODS. THEY SPEND A FORTUNE.
THE FIRST DAY THEY GO FISHING, BUT THEY DON'T CATCH ANYTHING.
THE SAME THING HAPPENS ON THE SECOND DAY. AND ON THE THIRD DAY.
IT GOES ON LIKE THAT UNTIL FINALLY, ON THE LAST DAY OF THEIR
VACATION, ONE OF THEM CATCHES A FISH.

AS THEY'RE DRIVING HOME THEY'RE REALLY DEPRESSED. ONE GUY TURNS
TO THE OTHER AND SAYS, "DO YOU REALIZE THAT THIS ONE LOUSY FISH WE
CAUGHT COST US FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS?" THE OTHER GUY SAYS,
"WOW! IT'S A GOOD THING WE DIDN'T CATCH ANY MORE!"

"SPITTING OUT PILLS"
(A CAT'S POINT OF VIEW)


MOST CATS SPIT OUT PILLS WITH GOOD REASON, FOR STARTERS, IT IS A BAD
PRECEDENT TO LET THE HIGHER POWERS THINK THAT YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY
CONSUME ANYTHING THAT'S BEING CRAMMED DOWN YOUR THROAT. HAVING PILLS
HIDDEN IN YOUR FOOD IS JUST AS BAD -- IF YOU TAKE THE BAIT, THERE GOES
THE WHOLE FINICKY EATING THING. BESIDES, IT INSPIRES AN ALMOST MYSTIC
ADMIRATION WHEN HUMANS SEE HOW EASY IT IS TO DETECT THE PRESENCE OF A 
PILL IN OUR FOOD -- WHAT DO THEY THINK WE ARE, CHILDREN OR SOMETHING?
BUT SOME CATS LET THE PRINCIPLE OVERWHELM THE PRACTICAL. BY THE TIME
SHE STARTS USING TOOTHPICKS TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN BECAUSE YOU BIT
HER TO OFTEN, IT HAS GONE TO FAR. FOLLOW THESE BASIC GUIDELINES AND
YOUR REPUTATION SHOULD BE KEPT INTACT:

SIMPLE SPITTING  --  UNLIMITED
GAGGING  --  UP TO THREE GAGS IS REASONABLE.
FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH  --  YOU MUST BITE THEM AT LEAST ONCE, BUT
                    NO MORE THEN TWICE. 
BARFING  --  MAXIMUM OF ONE, OPTIONAL.       

**BUGS CAN BE PETS YOU KNOW**
(UGH)

DON'T SWAT THE MONITOR.

A HONEYMOONING COUPLE ARE IN THE BITHLO MOTEL IN FLORIDA.

THE BRIDE IS CONCERNED ABOUT A BUG SCAMPERING IN THE ROOM.
THE GROOM SAYS, "I'LL LOOK FOR THE BUG MY DARLING."
HE LOOKS BEHIND THE DRAPES, BEHIND THE PICTURES, UNDER
THE RUG. "A-HA!" UNDER THE RUG WAS A DISC WITH FOUR SCREWS.
I THINK IT RAN UNDER THIS DISC. HE GETS HIS SWISS ARMY KNIFE
OUT AND UNSCREWS THE SCREWS, "NOTHING UNDER THERE MY
DEAR." AND THEY GIVE UP THE SEARCH.
THE NEXT MORNING, THE HOTEL MANAGER ASKS THE NEWLYWEDS,
"HOW WAS THE SERVICE" HOW WAS YOUR STAY AT THE BITHLO
HOTEL?" THE GROOM SAYS, "WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ALL
OF THESE QUESTIONS?" THE HOTEL MANAGER SAYS,
"WELL, THE ROOM UNDER YOU COMPLAINED OF THE

CHANDELIER FALLING ON THEM!"
OUCH.....

SLOW COW OR SLOW TRAIN??

A PASSENGER TRAIN IS CREEPING ALONG, PAINFULLY SLOW. FINALLY, IT
CREAKS TO A COMPLETE HALT. A PASSENGER SEES THE CONDUCTOR
WALKING OUTSIDE THE TRAIN. "WHAT'S GOING ON?" SHE BELLOWS.
THE CONDUCTOR REPLY'S "COW ON THE TRACK LADY!"

TEN MINUTES LATER, THE TRAIN RESUMES IT'S  SLOW PACE. WITHIN
FIVE MINUTES, HOWEVER, IT STOPS AGAIN. THE WOMEN SEES THE
SAME CONDUCTOR WALKING BY AGAIN. SHE LEANS OUT THE WINDOW
AND YELLS, "WHAT HAPPENED? DID WE CATCH UP WITH THE COW AGAIN?"

~~TOM'S FIRST HORSE RIDE~~
******A TRUE STORY******

TOM DECIDES TO TRY RIDING HORSEBACK, EVEN THOUGH HE 
HAD HAD NO LESSONS OR PRIOR EXPERIENCE. HE MOUNTS THE HORSE
UNASSISTED AND THE HORSE IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS INTO MOTION.
FOR THE FIRST FEW MOMENTS, EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL.
THE HORSE GALLOPS AT A STEADY AND RHYTHMIC PACE, BUT TOM
BEGINS TO SLIP FROM THE SADDLE, IN TERROR, TOM GRABS FOR THE 
HORSE'S MANE, BUT CANNOT SEEM TO GET A FIRM GRIP.

TOM TRIES TO THROW HIS ARMS AROUND THE HORSE'S NECK, BUT 
LOSES HIS BALANCE AND SLIDES DOWN THE SIDE OF THE HORSE.
THE HORSE GALLOPS ALONG AT A FAST PACE  SEEMINGLY OBLIVIOUS
TO IT'S SLIPPING RIDER. FINALLY, GIVING UP HIS FRAIL GRIP, TOM
LEAPS AWAY FROM THE HORSE AND TRIES TO THROW HIMSELF TO SAFETY. UNFORTUNATELY, HIS FOOT BECOMES ENTANGLED IN THE STIRRUP. DANGLING FROM THE GALLOPING HORSE, TOM IS AT THE
MERCY OF THE HORSE'S POUNDING HOOVES. HIS HEAD STRIKES THE
GROUND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! TOM WAS MOMENTS AWAY FROM
UNCONSCIOUSNESS WHEN, FORTUNATELY THE WAL-MART MANAGER
SEES HIM AND SHUTS OFF THE HORSE.

HOPE ALL YOU ENJOYED TID-BITS 29. 
THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING TIME TO READ IT.

IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OR COMMENTS PLEASE E-MAIL THEM TO ME
 
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Tom

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