~~CAT MIRACLE DIET~~


MOST DIETS FAIL BECAUSE WE ARE STILL THINKING AND 
EATING LIKE PEOPLE.. FOR THOSE OF US WHO HAVE NEVER
HAD ANY SUCCESS DIETING. WELL NOW THERE THE NEW
MIRACLE CAT DIET! THIS DIET WILL ALSO WORK ON HUMANS!
EXCEPT FOR CATS THAT EAT LIKE PEOPLE -- SUCH AS GETTING
LOTS  OF TABLE SCRAPS MOST CATS ARE LONG AND LEAN
(OR TINY AND PETITE).

THE CAT MIRACLE DIET WILL HELP YOU ACHIEVE THE SAME 
LEAN SVELTE FIGURE. JUST FOLLOW THIS DIET FOR ONE WEEK
AND YOU'LL FIND THAT YOU NOT ONLY LOOK AND FEEL
BETTER, BUT YOU WILL HAVE A WHOLE NEW OUTLOOK ON 
WHAT CONSTITUTES FOOD. GOOD LUCK!

DAY ONE
BREAKFAST: OPEN CAN OF EXPENSIVE GOURMET CAT FOOD.
ANY FLAVOR AS LONG AS IT COSTS MORE THEN .75 A CAN --
AND PLACE 1/4 CUP OF ON YOUR PLATE.. EAT 1 BITE OF FOOD;
LOOK AROUND THE ROOM DISDAINFULLY. KNOCK THE REST
ON THE FLOOR. STARE AT THE WALL FOR AWHILE BEFORE
STALKING OFF INTO THE OTHER ROOM.
LUNCH: FOUR BLADES OF GRASS AND ONE LIZARD TAIL.
THROW IT BACK UP ON THE CLEANEST CARPET IN YOUR HOUSE.
DINNER: CATCH A MOTH AND PLAY WITH IT UNTIL IT IS 
ALMOST DEAD. EAT ONE WING, LEAVE THE REST TO DIE.
BEDTIME SNACK: STEAL ONE GREEN BEAN FROM SPOUSE'S
OR PARTNER'S PLATE. BAT IT AROUND THE FLOOR UNTIL IT 
GOES UNDER THE REFRIGERATOR. STEAL ONE SMALL PIECE
OF CHICKEN AND EAT HALF OF IT. LEAVE THE OTHER HALF ON
THE SOFA. THROW OUT THE REMAINING GOURMET CAT  FOOD
FROM THE CAN YOU OPENED THIS MORNING.

DAY TWO
BREAKFAST:  PICKING UP THE REMAINING CHICKEN BITE FROM 
THE SOFA. KNOCK IT ONTO THE CARPET AND BAT IT UNDER THE
TELEVISION SET. CHEW ON THE CORNER OF THE NEWSPAPER
AS YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER TRIES TO READ IT.
LUNCH: BREAK INTO THE FRESH FRENCH BREAD THAT YOU 
BOUGHT AS YOUR PART OF THE DINNER PARTY ON SATURDAY.
LICK THE TOP OF IT ALL OVER. TAKE ONE BITE OUT OF THE
MIDDLE OF THE LOAF.
AFTERNOON SNACK: CATCH A LARGE BEETLE AND BRING IT INTO THE HOUSE. PLAY TOSS AND CATCH WITH IT UNTIL IT 
IS MUSHY AND HALF DEAD. ALLOW IT TO ESCAPE UNDER THE BED.
DINER: OPEN A FRESH CAN OF DARK-COLORED GOURMET CAT FOOD -- TUNA OR BEEF WORKS WELL. EAT IT VORACIOUSLY.
WALK FROM YOUR KITCHEN TO THE EDGE OF THE LIVING ROOM RUG. PROMPTLY THROW UP ON THE RUG. STEP INTO IT
AS YOU LEAVE. TRACK FOOTPRINTS ACROSS THE ENTIRE ROOM.

DAY THREE
BREAKFAST; DRINK PART OF THE MILK FROM YOUR SPOUSE'S 
OR PARTNERS CEREAL BOWL WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING.
SPLATTER PART OF IT ON THE CLOSEST POLISHED ALUMINUM
APPLIANCE YOU CAN FIND.
LUNCH: CATCH A MOUSE AND BRING IT INTO THE HOUSE. PLAY
WITH IT ON TOP OF YOUR DOWN FILLED COMFORTER. MAKE
SURE THE MOUSE IS SERIOUSLY INJURED BUT NOT DEAD
BEFORE YOU ABANDON IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO HAVE TO 
DEAL WITH  IT.
DINNER: BEG AND CRY UNTIL YOU ARE GIVEN SOME ICE CREAM OR MILK IN A BOWL OF YOUR OWN. TAKE THREE LICKS/LAPS
AND THEN TURN THE BOWL OVER ON THE FLOOR.

FINAL DAY
BREAKFAST: EAT 6 BUGS, ANY TYPE, BEING SURE TO LEAVE A 
COLLECTION OF LEGS, WINGS, ANTENNEA ON THE BATHROOM
FLOOR. DRINK LOTS OF WATER. THROW THE BUGS AND ALL
WATER UP ON YOUR SPOUSE'S OR PARTNER'S PILLOW.
LUNCH: REMOVE THE CHICKEN SKIN FOR LAST NIGHT'S
CHICKEN-TO-GO LEFTOVERS YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER
PLACED IN THE TRASH CAN. DRAG THE SKIN ACROSS THE FLOOR
SEVERAL TIMES. CHEW IT IN A CORNER AND THEN ABANDON.

DINNER: OPEN ANOTHER CAN OF EXPENSIVE GOURMET CAT
FOOD. SELECT A FLAVOR THAT IS ESPECIALLY RUNNY, LIKE
CHICKEN AND GIBLETS IN GRAVY. LICK OFF ALL THE GRAVY
AND LEAVE THE ACTUAL MEAT TO DRY AND GET HARD,

THANKS K9CAR4

"THE WRONG GATE"

A MAN WAS RIDING HIS HORSE DOWN A ROAD, HIS DOG PADDING 
ALONG BY THEIR SIDE. THE MAN WAS ENJOYING THE SCENERY, 
WHEN IT SUDDENLY OCCURRED TO HIM THAT HE WAS DEAD. HE
REMEMBERED DYING, AND THAT HIS HORSE AND DOG HAD BEEN
DEAD FOR YEARS. HE WONDERED WHERE THE ROAD WAS LEADING
THEM. AFTER A WHILE, THEY CAME TO A HIGH, WHITE STONE WALL 
ALONG ONE SIDE OF THE ROAD. IT LOOKED LIKE FINE MARBLE.
AT THE TOP OF A LONG HILL, IT WAS BROKEN BY A TALL ARCH 
THAT GLOWED IN THE SUNLIGHT. WHEN HE WAS STANDING BEFORE
IT, HE SAW A MAGNIFICENT GATE IN THE ARCH THAT LOOKED LIKE
MOTHER OF PEARL, AND THE STREET THAT LED TO THE GATE
LOOKED LIKE PURE GOLD. HE NUDGED THE HORSE TOWARD THE
GATE, AND AS HE GOT CLOSER HE SAW A MAN AT A DESK TO ONE 
SIDE. WHEN HE WAS CLOSE ENOUGH, HE CALLED OUT, "EXCUSE ME,
WHERE ARE WE?" "THIS IS HEAVEN, SIR," THE MAN ANSWERED.
 "WOW! WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME WATER?, THE MAN
ASKED. "OF COURSE, SIR. "COME RIGHT IN, AND I'LL HAVE SOME ICE
 WATER BROUGHT RIGHT UP." THE MAN GESTURED, AND THE GATE 
BEGAN TO OPEN. "CAN MY FRIENDS," GESTURING DOWNWARD
 TOWARDS HIS HORSE AND DOG, "COME RIGHT IN TOO?" THE
TRAVELER ASKED. "I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT WE DON'T ACCEPT
ANIMALS." THE MAN THOUGHT A MOMENT AND THEN TURNED HIS
HORSE AND DOG BACK TOWARD THE ROAD AND CONTINUED THE
WAY HE HE HAD BEEN GOING. AFTER ANOTHER LONG WALK, AND
AT THE TOP OF ANOTHER LONG HILL, HE CAM TO A DIRT ROAD
WHICH LED THROUGH A FARM GATE THAT LOOKED AS IF IT HAD
NEVER BEEN CLOSED. THERE WAS NO FENCE. AS HE APPROACHED
THE GATE, HE SAW A MAN INSIDE, LEANING AGAINST A TREE AND
READING A BOOK. "EXCUSE ME!" HE CALLED TO THE READER. "DO
YOU HAVE ANY WATER?"  "YEAH, SURE, THERE'S A PUMP OVER
OVER THERE" THE MAN POINTED TO A PLACE THAT COULDN'T BE
SEEN FROM OUTSIDE THE GATE. "COME ON IN." "HOW ABOUT MY
FRIENDS HERE?" THE TRAVELER ASKED. "THERE SHOULD BE A
BOWL AND A BUCKET BY THE PUMP."   THEY WENT 
THROUGH THE GATE, AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE WAS A OLD
 FASHIONED HAND PUMP WITH A BOWL AND A BUCKET BESIDE IT.
THE TRAVELER FILLED THE BOWL AND TOOK A LONG DRINK HIMSELF,
THEN GAVE SOME TO THE DOG WHILE HE FILLED THE BUCKET FOR 
HIS HORSE. WHEN THEY ALL WERE SATISFIED, HE LED HIS HORSE
BACK TOWARD THE MAN WHO WAS STANDING BY THE TREE WAITING
FOR THEM, THE DOG FOLLOWING FAITHFULLY BEHIND. WHAT DO 
YOU CALL THIS PLACE?" THE TRAVELER ASKED. "THIS IS HEAVEN,"
WAS THE ANSWER. "WELL, THAT'S CONFUSING," THE TRAVELER
SAID. "THE MAN DOWN THE ROAD SAID THAT WAS HEAVEN, TOO."
"OH, YOU MEAN THE PLACE WITH THE GOLD STREET AND PEARLY
GATES?" "NOPE THAT'S HELL." "DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU MAD FOR
THEM TO USE YOUR NAME LIKE THAT?" "NO. I CAN SEE HOW YOU
MIGHT THINK SO, BUT WE'RE JUST HAPPY THAT THEY SCREEN
OUT FOLKS WHO'LL LEAVE THEIR BEST FRIENDS BEHIND.
 

LIVER AND CHEESE

THREE HANDSOME MALE DOGS ARE WALKING DOWN 
THE STREET WHEN THEY SEE A BEAUTIFUL, ENTICING,
FEMALE POODLE. THE THREE MAKE DOGS FALL ALL OVER
THEMSELVES IN AN EFFORT TO BE THE ONE TO REACH
HER FIRST, BUT END UP ARRIVING IN FRONT OF HER AT 
THE SAME TIME. THE MALES ARE SPEECHLESS BEFORE HER 
BEAUTY, SLOBBERING ON THEMSELVES AND HOPING FOR 
JUST A GLANCE FROM HER IN RETURN.
AWARE OF HER CHARMS AND HER OBVIOUS EFFECT ON THE
THE THREE SUITORS SHE DECIDES TO BE KIND AND TELLS
THEM "THE FIRST ON WHO CAN USE THE WORDS "LIVER" AND
"CHEESE" TOGETHER IN AN IMAGINATIVE, INTELLIGENT
SENTENCE CAN GOU OUT WITH ME."

THE STURDY, MUSCULAR BLACK LAB SPEAKS UP QUICKLY 
"I LOVE LIVER AND CHEESE." "OH, HOW CHILDISH," SAID THE
POODLE. THAT SHOWS NO IMAGINATION OR INTELLIGENCE
WHATSOEVER." SHE TURNED TO THE TALL, SHINY GOLDEN
RETRIEVER AND SAID "HOW WELL CAN YOU DO?"

"UM. I HATE LIVER AND CHEESE," BLURTS THE GOLDEN
RETRIEVER. MY, MY," SAID THE POODLE. :I GUESS IT'S 
HOPELESS. THAT'S JUST AS DUMB AS THE LAB'S SENTENCE."
"HOW ABOUT YOU, LITTLE GUY?" THE LAST OF THE THREE,
TINY IN STATURE, BUT BIG IN FAME AND FINESSE, IS THE
TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA. HE GIVES HER A SMILE , A SLY
WINK, TURNS TO THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND THE LAB
AND SAYS, "LIVER ALONE. CHEESE MINE."

TWO COWS WERE CONVERSING
 IN A FIELD: "MY, MY HAVE YOU HEARD
ABOUT THIS MAD COW DISEASE...IT'S 
REALLY FRIGHTENING." "HUH" SAID
 THE OTHER COW, "I'M NOT WORRIED
AT ALL". "WHY'S THAT?" THE FIRST 
COW ASKED.
"BECAUSE I'M A RABBIT.

PAW PRINTS IN MY HEART

YOU CAME TO ME WHEN I KNEW NO LOVE
AND ENGRAVED YOU PAW PRINTS IN MY HEART
YOU LEFT ME LATER FOR THE SKIES ABOVE
AND MADE ME WISH WE DIDN'T PART.

YOU TAUGHT ME HAPPINESS WAS A TREASURE,
WHEN I WAS REALLY DOWN,
YOU TAUGHT ME JOY AND PLEASURE
AND ERASED ALL MY FROWNS.

YOU WENT AWAY TO HELP ANOTHER,
AND LEFT ME A MEMORY,
YOU FLEW BEYOND WITH A FLUTTER,
AND BECAME A HISTORY.

YOU WENT THROUGH THE GATES,
TO A SPECIAL RAINBOW SKY
YOU WENT THERE THROUGH THREE LIFE-GIVING FATES,
WHO GAVE YOU THE WINGS TO FLY.

I ENVISION YOU IN THE MISTY SEAS,
WHERE WE USED TO PLAY,
I IMAGINE US IN THE GALLANT BREEZE,
BENEATH WARM GOLDEN RAYS.

I MADE A SACRIFICE THAT I THOUGHT YOU'D NEED,
I LET YOU REACH BEYOND.
I KNEW YOUR SOUL WOULD PAY ME HEED,
AND CONTINUE OUR PRECIOUS BOND.

I KNOW YOUR WINGS OF TRANSLUCENT WHITE
WILL BRUSH AWAY MY TEARS,
AND IN YOUR HIGHEST HEIGHT,
WATCH AS MY SIGHT THEN CLEARS.

WE WERE HAPPY BEFORE YOU LEFT
AND WE ARE STILL TODAY,
SINCE AFTER HEAVEN COMMITTED IT'S THEFT
YOU ENLIGHTEN MY PATHS AND WAYS.

YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE AS SWIFTLY AS A DREAM,
THEN JUST AS QUICK YOU HAD TO PART,
THOUGHT ONLY MEMORIES YOU LEFT, IT MAY SEEM
YOUR TENDER PRINTS ARE ON MY HEART.

WELL READERS THAT IS IT FOR TIDBITS 27 I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.
 RARELY DO I HEAR ANYMORE. I SOMETIMES WONDER IF THERE
IS ANYONE OUT THERE. WE HAVE OVER 900 SUBSCRIBERS. I TRULY
HOPE THAT THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE NOT JUST DELETING 
TID-BITS. 

PLEASE IF YOU LIKE TID-BITS PASS IT ON TO OTHER ANIMAL LOVERS.
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PLEASE PASS THEM ON TO ME.

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AT:   http://wildlife-help.org/vizbook/vizbook.htm

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HUG'S TOM

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