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HOUSE BREAKING YOUR HUMANS
THIS ARTICLE WAS CONFISCATED FROM
PAMELA'S CAT
DO NOT LET YOUR
CAT READ IT.
HUMANS ARE
NOTORIOUSLY DIFFICULT TO GET UP IN THE MORNINGS.
THEY SEEM TO NEED EXTRA ORDINARY AMOUNT OF SLEEP AND THIS IS
INCONVENIENT FOR MOST CATS. SO VARIOUS STRATEGIES ARE NEEDED
TO FORCE THEM OUT OF BED AND INTO THE KITCHEN. THIS IS PROBABLY
ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT THINGS TO TRAIN A HUMAN TO DO SO IT
WILL NEED A WELL PLANNED CAMPAIGN. ONCE YOU HAVE TRAINED
THEM TO GET UP, MOST OTHER THINGS WILL FOLLOW FAIRLY EASILY. |
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THE WELL PLANNED CAMPAIGN
START SMALL AND
BUILD UP TO A CLIMAX OVER A PERIOD OF TIME.
REMEMBER, WHATEVER YOU DO THEY WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME
ACCUSTOMED TO IT AND BE ABLE TO SLEEP THROUGH IT. IF YOU SLOWLY
INCREASE THE PRESSURE THEY WILL NEVER BE COMFORTABLE AND WILL
ALWAYS FIND IT IN THEIR OWN BEST INTERESTS TO GET UP AND FEED YOU.
DON'T OVER DO IT. IF YOU TURN UP THE PRESSURE TO QUICKLY, IT WILL
BACKFIRE AND YOU COULD FIND YOURSELF OUT IN THE COLD!
REMEMBER, TO KEEP THE LEVEL OF AGGRAVATION JUST AT THE POINT
WHERE THEY CAN'T SLEEP COMFORTABLY. THIS NEEDS A VERY FINE
JUDGMENT AND YOU WILL CERTAINLY GET IT WRONG A FEW TIMES.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT AND A FEW NIGHTS IN THE RAIN ARE WORTH
IT FOR A WELL TRAINED HUMAN.
THE RACETRACK IS A GOOD GAME
FOR THIS PURPOSE. CHASE EACH OTHER OVER THE BED, UNDER THE BED
AND ON THE BED, MAKING AS MUCH NOISE AS POSSIBLE. ANYTHING THAT
MOVES UNDER THE COVERS IS FAIR GAME, ESPECIALLY THE FEET.
THIS ONLY WORKS FOR A SHORT TIME AS THEY GET USED TO THE NOISE
AND BEING TRAMPLED ON.
DIVE-BOMBING FROM THE TOP OF THE WARDROBE IS THE NEXT STAGE.
AIM TO LAND ON THE SLEEPING HUMAN IN QUESTION AIMING
ESPECIALLY FOR THE BLADDER, WHICH IS ALWAYS FULL EARLY IN THE
MORNING. THIS IS ALWAYS GUARANTEED TO HAVE SPECTACULAR
RESULTS, ALTHOUGH NOT ALWAYS THE ONES YOU HAD IN MIND.
MAKE THE MOST OF THIS ONE BECAUSE THEY WILL SOON BE
REARRANGING THE BEDROOM FURNITURE. HOWLING AT THE TOP OF
OF YOUR VOICE FROM A POSITION ONE INCH IN FRONT OF THE NOSE.
SOME HUMANS CAN SURPRISINGLY IGNORE THIS. HOWEVER, EXPERIENCE
SHOWS THAT THIS TYPE OF HUMAN WILL RESPOND IF YOU CURL UP ON HIS
PILLOW AND PURR IN HIS EAR. BREAK SOMETHING IN ANOTHER PART OF
HOUSE. MAKE SURE IT MAKES GOOD NOISE, CROCKERY OR GLASSWARE
FALLING OFF SHELVES IS A GOOD ONE, OR KNOCK THE MIRROR OFF
THE WALL, ALTERNATIVELY, GO FOR THE ORNAMENTS.
ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A FAST ESCAPE ROUTE AND AN
INACCESSIBLE HIDING PLACE. AN INJURED EXPRESSION OF INNOCENCE
HELPS TOO.
HITTING THEM IN THE FACE WITH YOUR PAW WORKS TO. KICKING THEM
OUT OF BED OR STEALING THE QUILT. IF YOU LIVE IN A MULTI-CAT
HOUSEHOLD, ALL SPREAD OUT ON THE BED GRADUALLY MOVING THE
SLEEPING VICTIM TO THE EDGE WHERE THEY FALL OUT. THE
ALTERNATIVE OPTION IS TO CLAW THE QUILT OVER TO ONE SIDE AND
CURL UP ON IT LEAVING THE VICTIM EXPOSED TO THE NIGHT AIR.
REMEMBER, THIS IS A FINELY JUDGED GAME. YOU WANT TO BE FED, NOT
SHUT OUT AT NIGHT AND YOU CERTAINLY DON'T WANT THEM CALLING
THE LOCAL HUMANE SOCIETY. AT SOME POINT IN THE PROCEEDINGS
THEY WILL ATTEMPT TO SHUT THE BEDROOM DOOR. THIS IS EASILY DEALT
WITH BY HOWLING ALL NIGHT IN A CHORUS OF PITIFUL VOICES,
FURIOUSLY SCRATCHING UP THE CARPETS AND RUINING THE WALLPAPER.
ALWAYS BE DREADFULLY HURT. YOU COULD EVEN TRY GOING OFF YOUR
FOOD IF YOU HAVE A ALTERNATIVE SUPPLY (THE LADY NEXT DOOR FOR
EXAMPLE). A GOOD EXAMPLE IS BRINGING IN SOME SMELLY FISH YOU
FOUND NEAR A GARBAGE CAN AND PUT IT UNDER THE BED. THIS WORKS
WELL. IT HAS PROVED VERY EFFECTIVE. AFTER ALL, IF THEY ARE NOT
GOING TO FEED YOU, THEN YOU WILL BE FORCED TO FEED YOURSELF
WON'T YOU?
USING THESE EXAMPLES OR YOUR OWN METHODS, APPLY THE VIOLENT
OR NOISY APPROACH FOR A FEW DAYS THEN GIVE THEM A BREAK OF A
COUPLE OF DAYS TO RELAX IN. THIS LULLS THEM INTO A FALSE SENSE OF
SECURITY SO WHEN YOU START AGAIN THE EFFECT IS MORE PRONOUNCED.
START WITH SOMETHING GENTLE. IF THEY DON'T RESPOND STEP UP THE
PRESSURE. EVENTUALLY, EVEN THE MOST STUBBORN HUMAN WILL
REALIZE THAT WHEN YOU POLITELY REQUEST BREAKFAST AT 5:30 AM
BY SITTING ON THEIR CHEST AND PATTING THEIR FACE, OR TRY
CLAWING
THEIR EYELIDS OPEN. THAT WORKS ALL THE TIME. IT IS BETTER BY FAR
TO GET UP, FEED YOU AND GO BACK TO SLEEP, THAN TO FACE THE
INEVITABLE. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, INSERT ONE OF YOUR LOWER
CANINES
INTO YOUR HUMAN'S NOSTRIL, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY
HAVE TO BITE, THEY USUALLY WAKE UP PRETTY SHARPISH BEFORE IT
BECOMES NECESSARY.
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