TO TID-BITS READERS

I WISH ALL OF YOU HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

FROM TOM AND FAMILY

A

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS,

MY KITTEN RUINED FOR ME... A BATCH OF MY SPECIAL HAND-PRINT COOKIES.
I HAD TURNED MY BACK TO GRAB THE COOKIE SHEET SITTING ON THE STOVE.
IN THAT MICRO-SECOND, THE CAT CLIMBED ONTO THE TABLE, POKED HER PAW
INTO THE DELIGHTFULLY NEAT MIXTURE AND, SUDDENLY OFF-BALANCE,
FELL INTO THE COOKIE DOUGH.
NET LOSS
SIX CUPS OF FLOUR, FOUR CUPS OF SUGAR, THREE STICKS OF BUTTER....
OF COURSE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER TO REMOVE THE FELINE
INGREDIENT, PICK OUT THE HAIRS, AND JUST RENAME THE RECIPE PAW
PRINT COOKIES.

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN ACCOMPANIED ME...ON A TRIP TO THE VET CLINIC. WHO KNEW
THAT SKINNY CURLING RIBBON HAS FELINE TASTE APPEAL? I DIDN'T.
DAMAGES:
$28 FOR THE OFFICE VISIT, $36 FOR ANESTHESIA SO THE VETERINARIAN
COULD TAKE A $55 X-RAYS IN CASE THE CAT HAD TASTE-TESTED ANY OTHER
CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, AND A HECK OF A LOT OF EMBARRASSMENT
WHEN THE VET REMOVED THE 3' CURLY TAIL IN SLIGHTLY LESS THEN
TWO SECONDS BY TUGGING AT IT WITH A PAIR OF TWEEZERS.

ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN WRECKED FOR ME...13 ORNAMENTS ON MY CHRISTMAS TREE. MY
MISTAKE WAS FORGETTING TO CHAIN THE DECORATIONS TO THE BRANCHES.
MY OTHER ERROR WAS LEAVING THE ROOM TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WHILE
THE CAT FEIGNED SLEEPING UNDER THE TREE. HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT IT
WAS ACTUALLY MEASURING IT'S CLIMBING POTENTIAL?
VALUE OF BROKEN BULBS 7.50 PLUS TAX

ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN BROKE FOR ME...A STATUE IN MY LENOX NATIVITY. WOULD YOU
BELIEVE TWO WISE MEN PLUS A HEAD COST $55.99 TO REPLACE

ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN SCRATCHED FOR ME...THE KID ACROSS THE STREET WHO
COLLECTS FOR CHARITY. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. IT MERELY WANTED TO REACH
AND TOUCH SOMEONE. UNFORTUNATELY, IT USED A UNSHEATHED CLAW
TO DO SO. I SETTLED OUT-OF-COURT FOR THE COSTS OF A JACKET TO REPLACE
THE BOY'S BLOOD STAINED ONE AND A HEFTY DONATION TO THE CHARITY
OF THEIR CHOICE. ALTHOUGH THE AMOUNT MUST REMAIN SECRET
ACCORDING TO OUR SETTLEMENT, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY. YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN MANY SOLDIERS FOR THE SALVATION ARMY THIS YEAR, HAVE YOU?
THINK: MAJOR WINDFALL!

ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN OPENED FOR ME... THE PRESENTS BENEATH MY CHRISTMAS TREE.
IT WAS ONLY TWO, REALLY. WHILE DOING SOME EARLY SHOPPING AT A
DISCOUNT STORE, I PURCHASED A CATNIP MOUSE FOR MY CATS STOCKING.
APPARENTLY, ANYTHING IN THE SAME BAG AS CATNIP TAKES ON THE POTENT
AROMA FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
REPLACEMENT COSTS: $3.99 FOR ANOTHER ROLL OF CHRISTMAS WRAPPING
PAPER, $4.45 FOR TWO EMPTY BOXES, $1 EACH FOR THE KIND OF BOWS MY
CAT CAN'T UNRAVEL.

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN LOST FOR ME...THE EARRINGS I BOUGHT FOR MY SISTER MARY.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS ONE EARRING BUT SINCE MARY DOESN'T HAVE A HOLE IN
IN HER NOSE OR NAVEL, A PAIR OF MATCHING EARRINGS DOES MAKE A
MORE APPEALING GIFT.
SALE PRICE: $29.95 PLUS TAX

ON THE EIGHTY DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN HELPED ME...REPLACE MY E AND G GUITAR STRINGS. WOULD YOU
BELIEVE A KITTEN COULD FIT INTO THE ITTY-BITTY HOLE IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY YAMAHA GUITAR? NEITHER COULD I, BUT MY CAT THOUGHT SO. AND
IT SUCCEEDED ONCE SHE GOT THOSE RASCALLY STRINGS OUT OF THE WAY.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S LITTLE REAR END COULDN'T GET OUT THE WAY IT
WENT IN. AFTER PAYING THROUGH THE WHISKERS FOR THE PREVIOUS
ESCAPADES, I WOULD HAVE BEEN WILLING TO LEAVE IT IN THE GUITAR FOR
OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON, EXCEPT THAT IT CHOSE TO GET STUCK TWO HOURS
BEFORE I WAS DUE AT THE NURSING HOME FOR OUT ANNUAL CHRISTMAS
CAROL SING-ALONG.
SET OF STEEL GUITAR STRINGS: $12.95. JAR OF PETROLEUM JELLY: 79 CENTS.

ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN DESTROYED FOR ME... MY CHRISTMAS CARD LIST WHEN IT
WALKED ACROSS MY COMPUTER'S DELETE KEY.
COST OF CALL TO COMPUTER COUNTRY'S 900.HELP LINE: $17.50. AND I
STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LISTING OF B THROUGH H.

ON THE TENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN HID FROM ME... THE REMOTE CONTROL FOR MY 13-INCH TV.
THIS WOULDN'T BE SUCH A DISASTER IF IT HADN'T PREVIOUSLY STOLEN THE
POWER KNOB. I MISSED A WEEK'S WORTH OF CHRISTMAS SPECIALS,
INCLUDING MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE, "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE."
COSTS: $3 RENTAL OF "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE", $2 PURCHASE OF BOOK,
"GOOD OWNERS, GREATS CATS". UNFORTUNATELY, IT NEVER MENTIONS
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE OF CATS WITH KLEPTOMANIA.

ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN ATE FOR ME... THE DRUMSTICKS OFF MY 10-POUND TURKEY. OK, OK,
SO THIS ONE TIME IT WAS MY FAULT. I KNEW I NEVER SHOULD HAVE UTTERED
THOSE INFAMOUS WORDS: "YOUR FIRST TURKEY, CAT. WANT TO TRY JUST
A LITTLE PIECE?"
COST: CHRISTMAS DINNER.

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS,
MY KITTEN RESTED. AND SO, THANK GOODNESS, DID MY VISA CARD.

PARROT

A MAGICIAN WAS WORKING ON A CRUISE SHIP IN THE CARIBBEAN.
THE AUDIENCE WOULD BE DIFFERENT EACH WEEK, SO THE
MAGICIAN ALLOWED HIMSELF TO DO THE SAME TRICKS OVER AND
OVER.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE PROBLEM: THE CAPTAIN'S PARROT SAW THE
SHOWS EVERY WEEK AND BEGAN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE
THE MAGICIAN DID IN EVERY TRICK. ONCE HE UNDERSTOOD THAT,
HE STARTED SHOUTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW.

"LOOK, IT'S NOT THE SAME HAT!" "LOOK, HE'S HIDING THE
FLOWERS UNDER THE TABLE!" "HEY, WHY ARE ALL THE CARDS
THE ACE OF SPADES?"

ONE DAY THE SHIP HAD AN ACCIDENT AND SANK. THE MAGICIAN
FOUND HIMSELF ON A PIECE OF WOOD, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
OCEAN, AND OF COURSE THE PARROT WAS BY HIS SIDE.

THEY STARED AT EACH OTHER WITH HATE, BUT DID NOT UTTER A
WORD. THIS WENT ON FOR SEVERAL DAYS.

AFTER A WEEK THE PARROT FINALLY SAID, "OKAY, I GIVE UP.
"WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THE SHIP?"

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW
I LEARNED FROM MY DOG.

1. NEVER PASS UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO FOR A JOY RIDE.
2. ALLOW THE EXPERIENCE OF FRESH AIR AND THE WIND IN
YOUR FACE TO BE PURE ECSTASY.
3. WHEN LOVED ONES COME HOME, ALWAYS RUN TO GREET
THEM.
4. TAKE SHORT NAPS AND STRETCH BEFORE RISING.
5. RUN, ROMP, AND PLAY DAILY.
6. BE LOYAL.
7. NEVER PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT.
8. EAT WITH GUSTO AND ENTHUSIASM.
9. IF WHAT YOU WANT LIES BURIED, DIG UNTIL YOU FIND IT.
10. WHEN SOMEONE IS HAVING A BAD DAY, BE SILENT, SIT
CLOSE BY AND NUZZLE THEM GENTLY.
11. THRIVE ON AFFECTION AND LET PEOPLE TOUCH YOU - ENJOY
BACK RUBS AND PATS ON YOUR NECK.
12. WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR YARD MAKE IT A ADVENTURE.
13. AVOID BITING WHEN A SIMPLE GROWL WILL DO.

14. NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU'RE SCOLDED, DON'T BUY INTO
THE GUILT THING AND POUT, RUN RIGHT BACK AND MAKE FRIENDS.
15. BOND WITH YOUR PACK.
16. ON COLD NIGHTS, CURL UP IN FRONT OF A CRACKLING FIRE.
17. WHEN YOU'RE EXCITED, SPEAK UP.
18. WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY, DANCE AROUND AND WAG YOUR ENTIRE BODY.
19. DELIGHT IN THE SIMPLE JOY OF A WALK.
(SUBMITTED BY MARGIT, THANKS)

BASIC DAWG RULES

NEWSPAPERS: IF YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WHILE PLAYING IN THE
FRONT YARD, ALWAYS USE THE NEWSPAPER PLACED IN THE DRIVEWAY EVERY
MORNING FOR THAT PURPOSE. AFTER ALL, IS NOT THAT THE WAY THEY TAUGHT YOU.

VISITORS: QUICKLY DETERMINE WHICH GUEST IS AFRAID OF DOGS. CHARGE
ACROSS THE ROOM, BARKING LOUDLY AND LEAP PLAYFULLY ON THIS PERSON.
IF THE HUMAN FALLS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND STARTS CRYING, LICK ITS FACE
AND GROWL GENTLY TO SHOW YOUR CONCERN.

BARKING: BECAUSE YOU ARE A DOG, YOU ARE EXPECTED TO BARK--A LOT. YOUR
OWNERS WILL BE VERY HAPPY TO HEAR YOU PROTECTING THEIR HOUSE. ESPECIALLY
LATE AT NIGHT WHILE THEY ARE SLEEPING SAFELY IN THEIR BEDS. THERE IS NO
MORE SECURE FEELING FOR A HUMAN THAN TO KEEP WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT AND HEARING YOUR PROTECTIVE BARK AND BARK AND BARK.

LICKING: ALWAYS TAKE A BIG DRINK FROM YOUR WATER DISH IMMEDIATELY
BEFORE LICKING YOUR HUMAN. HUMANS PREFER CLEAN TONGUES. BE READY
TO FETCH YOUR HUMAN A TOWEL.

HOLES: RATHER THEN DIGGING A BIG HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YARD AND
UPSETTING YOUR HUMAN. IF YOU ARRANGE A LITTLE PILE OF DIRT ON ONE SIDE
OF EACH HOLE, MAYBE THEY'LL THINK ITS GOPHERS. THERE ARE NEVER ENOUGH
HOLES IN THE GROUND. STRIVE DAILY TO DO YOUR PART TO HELP CORRECT THIS
PROBLEM.

DOORS: THE AREA DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF A DOOR IS ALWAYS RESERVED FOR THE
FAMILY DOG TO SLEEP...DON'T MOVE.

DINING ETIQUETTE: ALWAYS SIT UNDER THE TABLE AT DINNER, ESPECIALLY
WHEN THERE ARE GUESTS, SO YOU CAN CLEAN UP ANY FOOD THAT FALLS ON THE
FLOOR. IT'S ALSO A GOOD TIME TO PRACTICE SNIFFING.

HOUSEBREAKING: HOUSEBREAKING IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HUMANS, SO
BREAK AS MUCH OF THE HOUSE AS POSSIBLE.

GOING FOR WALKS: RULES OF THE ROAD: WHEN OUT FOR A WALK WITH YOUR
MASTER OR MISTRESS, NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM ON YOUR OWN LAWN.

COUCHES: IT IS PERFECTLY PERMISSIBLE TO LIE ON THE NEW COUCH AFTER ALL
HUMANS HAVE GONE TO BED.

PLAYING: IF YOU LOSE YOUR FOOTING WHILE CHASING A BALL OR STICK, USE THE
FLOWER BED TO ABSORB YOUR FALL SO YOU DON'T INJURE YOURSELF.

CHASING CATS: WHEN CHASING CATS, MAKE SURE YOU NEVER--QUITE--CATCH
THEM. IT SPOILS ALL THE FUN.

CHEWING: MAKE A CONTRIBUTION TO THE FASHION INDUSTRY...EAT A SHOE.

A CATS PRAYER

I ASK FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF NOT BEING
BORN...NOT TO BE BORN UNTIL YOU CAN
ASSURE ME OF A HOME AND A MASTER
TO PROTECT ME, AND THE RIGHT TO LIVE
AS LONG AS I AM PHYSICALLY ABLE TO
ENJOY LIFE...NOT TO BE BORN UNTIL MY
BODY IS PRECIOUS AND HUMANS HAVE
CEASED TO EXPLOIT IT BECAUSE IT IS
CHEAP AND PLENTIFUL.

WINTER WONDERLAND

DOG TAGS RING, ARE YOU LISTENING"?
IN THE LANE SNOW IS GLISTENING".
IT'S YELLOW NOT WHITE - I'VE BEEN THERE TONIGHT,
MARKING UP MY WINTER WONDERLAND.

SMELL THAT TREE? THAT'S MY FRAGRANCE.
IT'S A SIGN FOR WANDERING VAGRANTS:
"AVOID WHERE I WEE, IT'S MY PROPERTY!
MARKED UP AS MY WINTER WONDERLAND."

IN THE MEADOW DAD WILL BUILD A SNOWMAN,
FOLLOWING THE CLASSICAL DESIGN.
THEN I'LL LIFT MY LEG AND LET IT GO, MAN,
SO ALL THE WORLD WILL KNOW IT'S MINE.

STRAIGHT FROM ME TO THE FENCEPOST,
FLOWS MY NATURAL INCENSE BOAST:
"STAY OFF OF MY TURF, THIS SMALL PIECE OF EARTH.
I MARK IT AS MY WINTER WONDERLAND."

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE. THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE.
IN HOPES THAT ST. NICK WOULD SOON BE THERE.

THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS,
WITH NARY A THOUGHT OF THE DOG IN THERE HEADS.
AND MAMA IN HER KERCHIEF AND I IN MY CAP
KNEW HE WAS COLD, BUT WHO CARED ABOUT THAT.

WHEN ON THE LAWN THERE ROSE SUCH A CLATTER,
I SPRANG FROM MY BED TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
AWAY TO THE WINDOW I FLEW LIKE A FLASH,
THE DOG MUST BE LOOSE; HE'S INTO THE TRASH!

THE MOON ON THE BREAST OF THE NEW-FALLEN SNOW,
GAVE A LUSTER OF MID-DAY OBJECTS BELOW.
WHEN WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD APPEAR,
BUT SANTA WITH HIS EYES FULL OF TEARS.

HE UNCHAINED THE DOG, ONCE SO LIVELY AND QUICK,
LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS GIFT, NOW THIN AND SICK.
MORE RAPID THAN EAGLES, HE CALLED THE DOGS NAME,
AND THE DOG WENT RIGHT TO HIM, DESPITE ALL HIS PAIN.

NOW DASHER, NOW DANCER, NOW PRANCER AND VIXEN!
ON COMET ON CUPID ON DONNER AND BLITZEN!
TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH! TO THE TOP OF THE WALL!!
LET'S FIND HIM A HOME WHERE HE'LL BE LOVED BY ALL!!

I KNEW IN AN INSTANT THERE WERE NO GIFTS THIS YEAR.
FOR SANTA HAD MADE OUR MISTAKE VERY CLEAR.
THE GIFT OF A DOG IS NOT JUST FOR SEASON,
WE HAD GOTTEN A PUP FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

IN OUR HASTE TO THINK OF A GIFT FOR THE KIDS,
WE ACTED LIKE TWO VERY OVERGROWN LIDS.
A DOG SHOULD BE FAMILY, AND CARED FOR THE SAME.
YOU DON'T LEAVE HIM OUTSIDE TIED TO A CHAIN.

AND I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM, HIS VOICE FULL OF STRIFE,
"YOU WERE GIVEN A GIFT!! YOU WERE GIVEN A LIFE"

(WISE WORDS)

WELL READERS, THAT IS ALL FOR TID-BITS 10. I HOPE YOU LIKED IT.
IT IS ONLY THROUGH YOUR INPUT THAT I CAN IMPROVE TID-BITS.
IT ONLY TAKES YOU A FEW SECONDS TO E-MAIL ME. YOUR
COMMENTS KEEP ME GOING, GOOD OR BAD.
AM I GETTING BETTER??
IF YOU ENJOYED IT PLEASE PASS IT ON.

trudge@cfl.rr.com

IT IS IN NO WAY MY INTENTION TO POKE FUN AT THE CHRISTMAS SEASON.
CHRISTMAS IS A VERY SPECIAL SEASON FOR MY HOUSEHOLD.
WHATEVER YOUR RELIGION, MAY YOU CELEBRATE IT SERIOUSLY AND NOT
GET CAUGHT UP IN THE COMMERCIALISM OF THIS VERY SPECIAL HOLIDAY.

MAY YOUR GOD BRING YOU PEACE, PROSPERITY, AND HEALTH IN
THE YEAR 2000.

TOM, ROSE, AND ALL THE "LIL" CRITTERS.

P.S. PLEASE VISIT MY WILDLIFE PAGE:

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